Well, i suppose i just better come out and say it.
But it's late and i need to be up tomorrow and this requires a lot of articulation to truly capture the essence of what i feel. And so i don't sound like a cock. So i'll write it tomorrow.
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
Sunday, 28 September 2008
University and Relationships
Basically, the problem is; the long distance relationship thing. The GF is in London whilst i am in Manchester. But that's not just it. The problem is the basis of our relationship. I set out with a slightly ambiguous aim, that aim was to make her happy. Perhaps due to my life experiences i could see that she was deeply unhappy, there was a part of her missing; i set out with the aim to..enable her to fulfill herself. Essentially. And that has happened. Now the aim has been fulfilled i want to be able to let her go, to let her eperience the world in which we live as the full person she has now become, due wholly to herself.
It seems like the perfect set up; she is happy, we are most unfortunately in different cities and so the relationship seems..like it would be hard to continue. I love her, just not in the way that is conventional for two lovers to feel. And i will always love her in his way, i can not force myself to feel any other way about her. I most deeply wish that was possible but, unfortunately, it's not. I miss her prescence, i miss her being around me, i miss being able to look her in the eyes. And no matter how long our relationship continues i will always feel like that, as we will only ever be able to see each other every other weekend.
It seems as though, as my aim has been fulfilled and the only way we can be together is long distance, that there is no point in it anymore. I know when i have to say goodbye to her, a small part of me will be eaten away, and every time we have to say goodbye this will happen. There'll be nothing left. It'll just be a temporary limbo-state relationship. Not a real one.
Originally, we were going to stay together; we decided mutally. Then i suggested we do the long distance thing & she agreed, i thought it was for the best. I really just bottled it; that was my opportunity, and now it's gone.
And i don't know what to do; remain in this limbo relationship or bite the bullet and break up. I just want her to be happy; i want for her happiness more than i do for my own. If we do break up it'll be at Christmas.
Merry christmas darling.
It seems like the perfect set up; she is happy, we are most unfortunately in different cities and so the relationship seems..like it would be hard to continue. I love her, just not in the way that is conventional for two lovers to feel. And i will always love her in his way, i can not force myself to feel any other way about her. I most deeply wish that was possible but, unfortunately, it's not. I miss her prescence, i miss her being around me, i miss being able to look her in the eyes. And no matter how long our relationship continues i will always feel like that, as we will only ever be able to see each other every other weekend.
It seems as though, as my aim has been fulfilled and the only way we can be together is long distance, that there is no point in it anymore. I know when i have to say goodbye to her, a small part of me will be eaten away, and every time we have to say goodbye this will happen. There'll be nothing left. It'll just be a temporary limbo-state relationship. Not a real one.
Originally, we were going to stay together; we decided mutally. Then i suggested we do the long distance thing & she agreed, i thought it was for the best. I really just bottled it; that was my opportunity, and now it's gone.
And i don't know what to do; remain in this limbo relationship or bite the bullet and break up. I just want her to be happy; i want for her happiness more than i do for my own. If we do break up it'll be at Christmas.
Merry christmas darling.
Thursday, 5 June 2008
The Fear That You'll Forget
The overwhelming fear that i currently have is that i'll somehow forget all i've revised.
That when i enter the exam hall my mind will just go blank and i won't have a thing to write. And there is nothing to counter that.
I'm scared my brain isn't big enough!
That when i enter the exam hall my mind will just go blank and i won't have a thing to write. And there is nothing to counter that.
I'm scared my brain isn't big enough!
Wednesday, 21 May 2008
Exams
These are the last exams public exams i'll sit. A2, mostly synoptic, exams. There is no lying that they will be hard, they are hard. The topics are hard, gaining a full understanding is hard, and, for humanities subjects, expressing that understanding in essay format is that one step harder.
I could go through explaining the UMS points system, which exam boards use to calculate grades and therefore set grade boundries, but it is a tad boring. Suffice to say its a load of normally distributed bullshit. Especially with regards to coursework. But there you go. Life is imperfect.
It is stressful. If i don't do at least 3 hours of revision a day, which basically means if i don't do any as if i sit down to work then i'll work for 6 hours straight, i get this errie feeling. Like..a cloud of personal dissapointment is descending upon me and i get one step further from university.
Which is another thing. Right now, all i can focus on is exams. It's like tunnel vision. In my mind, i'm not into university, in reality, i'm not into university, so it doesn't help when people ask "so where you going then" and i have to reply "well, manchester hopefully, if i get the grades." The system is set up in such a ridiculous manner. It's absurd. They rush you through your final year at school, don't have time to teach everything, chuck some stuff at you about student loans and then bundle you off. Without somuch as a proper goodbye. Then, you're sat doing your exams whilst people are constantly badgering you about how brilliant it is that you're going to BlaBla. You are NOT going to BlaBla, no matter how many people you're irritatingly proud Mother tells, you are NOT going to BlaBla until you have the grades that they need. And that, my dearies, is most definately not yet. That comes on August 14th. Then Mother can boast all she bloodywelllikes about how amazing you are. Or look like a right div when you flop.
After the exams are over we are having goodbye things.
But, God, i am scared. Genuinely terrified.
I could go through explaining the UMS points system, which exam boards use to calculate grades and therefore set grade boundries, but it is a tad boring. Suffice to say its a load of normally distributed bullshit. Especially with regards to coursework. But there you go. Life is imperfect.
It is stressful. If i don't do at least 3 hours of revision a day, which basically means if i don't do any as if i sit down to work then i'll work for 6 hours straight, i get this errie feeling. Like..a cloud of personal dissapointment is descending upon me and i get one step further from university.
Which is another thing. Right now, all i can focus on is exams. It's like tunnel vision. In my mind, i'm not into university, in reality, i'm not into university, so it doesn't help when people ask "so where you going then" and i have to reply "well, manchester hopefully, if i get the grades." The system is set up in such a ridiculous manner. It's absurd. They rush you through your final year at school, don't have time to teach everything, chuck some stuff at you about student loans and then bundle you off. Without somuch as a proper goodbye. Then, you're sat doing your exams whilst people are constantly badgering you about how brilliant it is that you're going to BlaBla. You are NOT going to BlaBla, no matter how many people you're irritatingly proud Mother tells, you are NOT going to BlaBla until you have the grades that they need. And that, my dearies, is most definately not yet. That comes on August 14th. Then Mother can boast all she bloodywelllikes about how amazing you are. Or look like a right div when you flop.
After the exams are over we are having goodbye things.
But, God, i am scared. Genuinely terrified.
Tuesday, 13 May 2008
Faith
Unfortunately, not the religious kind. I'll leave that for another day.
Faith in the UK government, faith in Gordon Brown, the PM, it seems, has dried up to an all time low. It's so low, infact, that David Cameron is seen as more of a "man of the people." That is the same bastard who was in the Bullingdon Club. And, you know what, i'm begining to loose faith too. And i pride myself on being someone who is not brainwashed by the tabloids/media. Always, the most essential thing is facts when creating a conclusion; the facts are piled unfavourably for this piss poor government.
The last straw will be if this bill is defeated. I think i'll just go and join a sect where i can be a big fat asexual as opposed to a big fat lesbian then. A big fat lesbian, who, excuse me, would like to raise her children with her partner and not be forced by government legislation to name someone as a father when all they are is simply the provider of DNA.
A father is so much more than the provider of half the childs genetic maerial; a father is a paren; supposed to have a role in the childs life. Forcing big-fat-lesbian couples to name the provider of genetic material in no way ensures that the child will have a father (and this is only in the tiny proportion of IVF babies anyway) it is simply writing a name on the paper. Forcing that name to provide financial help if required. Pah. Money doesn't buy you love? Fatherhood buys you a lifetime of debt though.
If anything, it will prevent anonymous sperm donations making it infinately harder for big-fat-lesbians to have babies.
I find it quite offensive actually.
Are my future partner and i not capable of raising children, or, when compared to our small-skinny-straight counter parts, do we do a worse job? Because that is, effectively, what those bastard tories are saying in the article linked to.
I wonder what happened..
A father is so much more than the provider of half the childs genetic maerial; a father is a paren; supposed to have a role in the childs life. Forcing big-fat-lesbian couples to name the provider of genetic material in no way ensures that the child will have a father (and this is only in the tiny proportion of IVF babies anyway) it is simply writing a name on the paper. Forcing that name to provide financial help if required. Pah. Money doesn't buy you love? Fatherhood buys you a lifetime of debt though.
If anything, it will prevent anonymous sperm donations making it infinately harder for big-fat-lesbians to have babies.
I find it quite offensive actually.
Are my future partner and i not capable of raising children, or, when compared to our small-skinny-straight counter parts, do we do a worse job? Because that is, effectively, what those bastard tories are saying in the article linked to.
I wonder what happened..
Sunday, 11 May 2008
2 weeks left
There are two weeks left until study leave begins and we have not completed the syllabus in RE. We are nowhere near it. The teacher had a bicycle accident and has not been in for the 2 weeks since easter.
There are two teachers who have split the syllaus according to the proportion of lessons they teach us. The teacher who had a bicycle accident teaches us for 3 hours a week, the other for 2 hours a week.
The philosophy of religion exam is on the 6th of June. We have not covered, with assistance, 2 large areas which we could be questioned on. There are only 5 areas in total. You have to answer 2 questions out of 4 in the exam.
In the second exam, the synoptic assesment, there are 6 connections each of which you have to know in detail and can be questioned on. There are 3 questions and you have to answer 2. We have covered 3 of the 6 connections.
And there are 2 weeks left. And what takes the absolute piss is that trying to learn half the stuff required for the connections paper undermines what shaky faith i have, making praying for help seem like lighting a fire with a soggy towel.
As i write this i cry; if i were to attend a public school this would not happen. This is the fault of a shite comprehensive education.
There are two teachers who have split the syllaus according to the proportion of lessons they teach us. The teacher who had a bicycle accident teaches us for 3 hours a week, the other for 2 hours a week.
The philosophy of religion exam is on the 6th of June. We have not covered, with assistance, 2 large areas which we could be questioned on. There are only 5 areas in total. You have to answer 2 questions out of 4 in the exam.
In the second exam, the synoptic assesment, there are 6 connections each of which you have to know in detail and can be questioned on. There are 3 questions and you have to answer 2. We have covered 3 of the 6 connections.
And there are 2 weeks left. And what takes the absolute piss is that trying to learn half the stuff required for the connections paper undermines what shaky faith i have, making praying for help seem like lighting a fire with a soggy towel.
As i write this i cry; if i were to attend a public school this would not happen. This is the fault of a shite comprehensive education.
The Bullingdon Club
This epitomises my hatred of the public education sector. And i use hatred intending the full emphasis of the word. I hate the concept of public schooling. I absolutely loath it. You should not be able to buy your way into a decedent education for your child. This exacerbates the socio-economic differences between people, preventing children from being together; from being children. Turning them against each other, creating uncertainty and fear of that that is not known.
In an article i was reading from yesterdays G2 magazine, the arguement is put across perfectly. And backed up with the most appauling statistics. 70% of the judicary in 2007 were publically educated. The majority of newspaper editors and Tory politicians are publically educated.
THE PUBLIC EDUCATION SECTOR ACCOUNTS FOR 7.3% OF THE ENTIRE SECTOR.
Why. Why the FUCK are comprehensive schools so shit? Because, lets face it. They are. And they're not getting ANY better. They are FAILING their pupils. They are failing us. And you have to ask why. But, equally, in an altogether different issue, yu have to ask; why are all these people privately educated? And its not because the intelligent are the financially able, it is because the normal ones, the run of the mill Jo Blogs, who are EQUALLY as intelligent as anyone else, are not given the opportunity. The decent education, the education that can compete with that of the Public sector. And you know why? Because there are no grammer schools. I'm sorry, i know the grammer school is a tory policy, but FUCK, its not like the comprehensives are doing any bloody good. They're getting worse.
If we had grammer schools, where people are given the education befitting their IQ, not comprehensive schools where people are given the education befitting their postcode, or public schools where people are given the education befitting their parents bank balance, there would be no glass ceiling. Shoving the best altogether and sticking two fingers up at their socio-economic background is what needs doing. Because right now, and i AM going to say it, people like me are being failed.
People like me, the clever working and lower middle classes are the ones who have been betrayed most by New Labour. And we have. The tuition fee; how the FUCK are people like me supposed to pay it? We can't. Simply put. We just can't. So they force us to take out loans. Push us further into debt. We don't get any bursaries because our parents actually earn a fucking living. But we're not rich enough to waft off the fee with a swish of the engraved fountain pen.
We go to schools that get worse by the year. We are taught by teachers that don't know thier arse from their elbow. By migrants from the ex-colonies. Because you get more in inner london you know, or at least, that's what they say on the adverts. We are in failing schools. How, HOW are we to attend oxbridge when we have resources that, when compared to what they have at eton, look like an IT lab cobbled together out of the remains of what was on sale at PC world 2 years ago.
When the media are forever going on about A-levels getting easier, what are we to think when we look at our grades? When the media rubbishes our achievements, and they are achievements, because, believe me, to achieve anything at a state comprehensive is amazing. What are we to think?
Are we to swallow the bullshit, apply for the biggest loan of our lives (exluding a mortgage) and do a degree whose place we had to fight tooth and nail for against upper middle class privately educated bastards?
And then, when we enter working life, are we to just sit there and applaud when bastards like good old David and Boris (the bastard) say they are men of the people. Men of the people do not join The Bullingdon Club, whose sole purpose is simply for the most elite men to get together, get pissed and destroy everything around them whilst having a jolly good time old fellow.
The elitism i can deal with (let the bastards drink together, i wouldn't want to have a pint with them), the misogyny too, but not the arrogance that comes with the action of paying someone off, in cash, after deliberately trashing their premises. Not the upper class snobbery. No.
That, that my dear, is why i am not a tory. Because that is what this party now is. Fuck Thatcher and her state education, i can hear them say, all the Old Etonians. And you know, 8% of the current tory frontbenchers went to eton. 62% were publically educated. Fuck eton. Seriously. Fuck it and its elitist bastards.
In an article i was reading from yesterdays G2 magazine, the arguement is put across perfectly. And backed up with the most appauling statistics. 70% of the judicary in 2007 were publically educated. The majority of newspaper editors and Tory politicians are publically educated.
THE PUBLIC EDUCATION SECTOR ACCOUNTS FOR 7.3% OF THE ENTIRE SECTOR.
Why. Why the FUCK are comprehensive schools so shit? Because, lets face it. They are. And they're not getting ANY better. They are FAILING their pupils. They are failing us. And you have to ask why. But, equally, in an altogether different issue, yu have to ask; why are all these people privately educated? And its not because the intelligent are the financially able, it is because the normal ones, the run of the mill Jo Blogs, who are EQUALLY as intelligent as anyone else, are not given the opportunity. The decent education, the education that can compete with that of the Public sector. And you know why? Because there are no grammer schools. I'm sorry, i know the grammer school is a tory policy, but FUCK, its not like the comprehensives are doing any bloody good. They're getting worse.
If we had grammer schools, where people are given the education befitting their IQ, not comprehensive schools where people are given the education befitting their postcode, or public schools where people are given the education befitting their parents bank balance, there would be no glass ceiling. Shoving the best altogether and sticking two fingers up at their socio-economic background is what needs doing. Because right now, and i AM going to say it, people like me are being failed.
People like me, the clever working and lower middle classes are the ones who have been betrayed most by New Labour. And we have. The tuition fee; how the FUCK are people like me supposed to pay it? We can't. Simply put. We just can't. So they force us to take out loans. Push us further into debt. We don't get any bursaries because our parents actually earn a fucking living. But we're not rich enough to waft off the fee with a swish of the engraved fountain pen.
We go to schools that get worse by the year. We are taught by teachers that don't know thier arse from their elbow. By migrants from the ex-colonies. Because you get more in inner london you know, or at least, that's what they say on the adverts. We are in failing schools. How, HOW are we to attend oxbridge when we have resources that, when compared to what they have at eton, look like an IT lab cobbled together out of the remains of what was on sale at PC world 2 years ago.
When the media are forever going on about A-levels getting easier, what are we to think when we look at our grades? When the media rubbishes our achievements, and they are achievements, because, believe me, to achieve anything at a state comprehensive is amazing. What are we to think?
Are we to swallow the bullshit, apply for the biggest loan of our lives (exluding a mortgage) and do a degree whose place we had to fight tooth and nail for against upper middle class privately educated bastards?
And then, when we enter working life, are we to just sit there and applaud when bastards like good old David and Boris (the bastard) say they are men of the people. Men of the people do not join The Bullingdon Club, whose sole purpose is simply for the most elite men to get together, get pissed and destroy everything around them whilst having a jolly good time old fellow.
The elitism i can deal with (let the bastards drink together, i wouldn't want to have a pint with them), the misogyny too, but not the arrogance that comes with the action of paying someone off, in cash, after deliberately trashing their premises. Not the upper class snobbery. No.
That, that my dear, is why i am not a tory. Because that is what this party now is. Fuck Thatcher and her state education, i can hear them say, all the Old Etonians. And you know, 8% of the current tory frontbenchers went to eton. 62% were publically educated. Fuck eton. Seriously. Fuck it and its elitist bastards.
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