I had the house party. It was supposed to start at 8 but people didn’t arrive till 9-9.30 due to the buggered tube network..that thing always seems to be experiencing “planned delays” and for some reason the plan the delays to co-incide with the most frustrating times. So, the people arrived, if a little later than expected.
There was about 60 people who came..it was quite a lot, I have to admit. Even I was a bit gob-smacked at the sheer volume of space they took up; i’ve never seen my house so full. There were people in the goggle-box room (which doubled as a dance floor), the breakfast room (which doubled as a bar), the kitchen and out in the garden (which doubled as a smokers paridise/place for drunken people). So basically, there were people everywhere.
Only after I had had the house party, at about 4pm, did the actual facts sink in. I’d had 60 people in my house, had loud music on, not got the place trashed and I think, I think and hope really hard that people had a good time. I was rushed off my feet constantly having to deal with idiots at the door, drunk people I didn’t know and only occasionally joing in a conversation for 5 minutes before being called to the next crisis. And I never even had time to roll a joint. No time to roll a joint at my own bloody party! What is the world coming to?!
Many gossip’s happened last night, many of which are nonsequential, many more which are reasonably remarkable. Noodle, a very close friend of mine had a recent flame semi-reignited and said flame got rather aggressive towards the drunken bean-spiller. A friend of Noodle’s revealed what noodle believes to be her “true self” as she was seen walking in from the bottom of the garden with a guy and then (although the chronology of this account may be slightly out) she was seen on the balcony doing some kind of a topless strip tease for four guys who don’t even go to the Education Establishment (E-Est.). Unfortunately I think Noodle is right.
AND another thing also happened. Gosh, lots of things that are remark worthy happened but I think I’ll save the details as it may get tedious. I had no overall vibe from the party as I was so busy but I fucking well wish I did. I want to know if people had fun, whether or not there was a good socialble atmosphere, what they thought of the general vibe, I was to know everything..but instead I know B-A. It’s nagging at my brain and I’ve tourtured The GF by getting her to re-count every single detail that could possibly help me but to no avail.
I also said to her; “I feel like I’m falling in love with you” to which she answered “so do I.”
And I do. I feel…like she is so special to me, like no-one else could ever beat her because she’s so perfect in every way, even in her imperfections, I look at her and I want to wrap my arms around her so we can be in a cocoon together but I also want her to shine, to be the person I know she can be, to grow in confidence and to be happy and I know that wrapping her up isn’t going to help with that. I only want the best for her.
In the past 2 months the relationship we’ve developed has intensified ten fold. I feel as though I different person stands before me when I see her now. She will talk to me, confide in me and ask me direct questions (occasionally) which is a huge U-turn from how it was during the summer.
It’s only just kicked in how lucky I am to have someone like her in my life, it all seems to have just flowed and there’s been little time for rejection.
Sunday, 30 September 2007
Saturday, 29 September 2007
House Party
Sorry the the lack of blogging, the internet was down for several days but it has now been sorted and i am back, connected to the throbbing bundle of wires they call the world wide web.
The GF had invited me out with several of her friends last night under the guise of a 'leaving party' for one of the members of her party. It was not a leaving party, that turned out to be the flimsiest excuse for a piss-up in the history of alcohol consumption. Instead, it was an opportunity for one of the girls to meet up with someone and said someone's friend and go salsa dancing and drinking. This would have been OK but said someone was at least 25 years older than every single member of the party. I found it very strange.
But, the excuse wore thin, as did the patience of the very aggressive bar staff as some of the party did not have "ID" and so were harassed continuously. In the end we broke into 2 groups, the group containing said someone and the other one.
Soho was suggested as an idea and, being the flaming lesbian that i am, i agreed vehmently and was duely instructed to lead the way to the nearest bar. We ended up in an OK place with a dancefloor and a half decent DJ. It was an alright night but i would have liked to dance as opposed to sucking face in the corner, or, our other favourite hobby, couple watching.
We spotted a funny one last night! One girl was very big, butch and agressive looking and the other was a dainty little chav with blonde highlights and an overly fake tanned body.
In other news, i'm having a house party today. The draw situation turned dire for several minutes when i was alerted by telephone that we may not have any. I made some calls and sorted it then got a call back from the original caller saying thay'd sorted it. So i had to cancel the previous order.
I have no idea how many people are coming to this party, how much drink to buy (although i have a £50 limit) or what weather to expect. And, to make matters worse, Mother Dearest, who i still unfortunately live with, is returning at 12-1ish, not tomorwow morning as i previously expected. But i'm not stressed, oh no. My motto is; c'est la vie! I can't do anything about it, so why bother wasting my current happy demenour my worrying.
The GF had invited me out with several of her friends last night under the guise of a 'leaving party' for one of the members of her party. It was not a leaving party, that turned out to be the flimsiest excuse for a piss-up in the history of alcohol consumption. Instead, it was an opportunity for one of the girls to meet up with someone and said someone's friend and go salsa dancing and drinking. This would have been OK but said someone was at least 25 years older than every single member of the party. I found it very strange.
But, the excuse wore thin, as did the patience of the very aggressive bar staff as some of the party did not have "ID" and so were harassed continuously. In the end we broke into 2 groups, the group containing said someone and the other one.
Soho was suggested as an idea and, being the flaming lesbian that i am, i agreed vehmently and was duely instructed to lead the way to the nearest bar. We ended up in an OK place with a dancefloor and a half decent DJ. It was an alright night but i would have liked to dance as opposed to sucking face in the corner, or, our other favourite hobby, couple watching.
We spotted a funny one last night! One girl was very big, butch and agressive looking and the other was a dainty little chav with blonde highlights and an overly fake tanned body.
In other news, i'm having a house party today. The draw situation turned dire for several minutes when i was alerted by telephone that we may not have any. I made some calls and sorted it then got a call back from the original caller saying thay'd sorted it. So i had to cancel the previous order.
I have no idea how many people are coming to this party, how much drink to buy (although i have a £50 limit) or what weather to expect. And, to make matters worse, Mother Dearest, who i still unfortunately live with, is returning at 12-1ish, not tomorwow morning as i previously expected. But i'm not stressed, oh no. My motto is; c'est la vie! I can't do anything about it, so why bother wasting my current happy demenour my worrying.
Monday, 24 September 2007
The Letter
The GF gave me the letter yesterday. We were talking, on the phone, late saturday night. I'd had a niggling feeling of what the letter would be about but i ignored it, dissmissing it because it was so far-fetched. But, it was my gut instict.
On the phone, i told her about the guy i knew who had been abused when he was younger, and, had explained this in a drunken and tearful fit, to a room full of people. I still don't know what pushed me to tell that story but i just knew i had to say it. I think it gave her the opportunity to say what happened to her.
When she was 7 she was abused by a friend of her older brothers. She gave me the letter, explaining everything. I didn't know what to say. She didn't want to talk about it, she just wanted me to know, to release it. She hasn't told anyone else. I felt so stupid, so unhelpful and powerless because i had absolutely no idea what to say, what line to take, what questions to ask, what would make her feel better about it. And i still don't. It's way beyond me. The only reason i was able to talk with the guy before was because he had the answers already, he just needed to get it all out of him and have a vessel for that. She is so introverted and closed that it's a miracle she even told me to begin with.
I feel almost more like a counsellor than a girlfriend. The strange thing is though, i knew this was what it would be like, even at the very beginging, i knew there was a secret or a something-or-other deep inside her that was like a lead weight on her chest, inhibiting her, dragging her down. And i knew -i know this sounds strange and/or arrogant but it's not intended to be that way- that this would be the point of the relationship - to help her. At the beginging i had no idea how, and up until a few days ago i still didn't, i just had an instinctual feeling. I felt, not that she was unhappy but that she had unfulfilled potential.
Sensing this whole thing was the point of the relationship and now not knowing what to do when the ice has finally melted is infuriating. I feel inadequate. But..gosh, i've said "i feel" a lot..i also feel like it was meant to be. Like, cheesy as though it sounds, God brought us together. If this is true then i'm sure he'll figure out a way to guide this whole thing.
I've started to think a lot of things are up to god now, if i get into a med-school, which med-school i go to. My grades are down to me, and i'm working so bloody hard i think my brain might explode, but when you're up against ratio's of 17:1 God must play a part.
We also nearly had sex..well, not really, but..sort of really. Like, topless dry sex nearly. But then that's not really nearly. Oh well.
On the phone, i told her about the guy i knew who had been abused when he was younger, and, had explained this in a drunken and tearful fit, to a room full of people. I still don't know what pushed me to tell that story but i just knew i had to say it. I think it gave her the opportunity to say what happened to her.
When she was 7 she was abused by a friend of her older brothers. She gave me the letter, explaining everything. I didn't know what to say. She didn't want to talk about it, she just wanted me to know, to release it. She hasn't told anyone else. I felt so stupid, so unhelpful and powerless because i had absolutely no idea what to say, what line to take, what questions to ask, what would make her feel better about it. And i still don't. It's way beyond me. The only reason i was able to talk with the guy before was because he had the answers already, he just needed to get it all out of him and have a vessel for that. She is so introverted and closed that it's a miracle she even told me to begin with.
I feel almost more like a counsellor than a girlfriend. The strange thing is though, i knew this was what it would be like, even at the very beginging, i knew there was a secret or a something-or-other deep inside her that was like a lead weight on her chest, inhibiting her, dragging her down. And i knew -i know this sounds strange and/or arrogant but it's not intended to be that way- that this would be the point of the relationship - to help her. At the beginging i had no idea how, and up until a few days ago i still didn't, i just had an instinctual feeling. I felt, not that she was unhappy but that she had unfulfilled potential.
Sensing this whole thing was the point of the relationship and now not knowing what to do when the ice has finally melted is infuriating. I feel inadequate. But..gosh, i've said "i feel" a lot..i also feel like it was meant to be. Like, cheesy as though it sounds, God brought us together. If this is true then i'm sure he'll figure out a way to guide this whole thing.
I've started to think a lot of things are up to god now, if i get into a med-school, which med-school i go to. My grades are down to me, and i'm working so bloody hard i think my brain might explode, but when you're up against ratio's of 17:1 God must play a part.
We also nearly had sex..well, not really, but..sort of really. Like, topless dry sex nearly. But then that's not really nearly. Oh well.
Friday, 21 September 2007
A Letter
The GF was here this afternoon. I've gotten used to being treated (in regards to emotions) as though i'm a friend, not a girlfriend and accepted that this is how it's going to be, indefinately. Just when i've managed to get my head around the whole thing she says; "i've got a letter for you."
I was quite enjoying being emotionally neglected! It made me feel as though i had very little responsibility in the relationship, sure, i worried a little that we weren't sing from the same hymn sheet but all i had to do was nod when she'd say "i know" in a conversation and that would be it. What could be on that piece of paper? Anything! It could even be those dreaded bloody words, those three little words which i've been swilling around in my head for a while now. Then what would happen?! Oh gosh, i think i'd have to do what a girl does best when she's overcome with emotions and is lost for words; cry.
I don't think it'll have those three words though, but it might have a version of them, or talk about the concept of it, but not those words. I want to know what it says now! But it's more curiosity, not longing. I want her to want to show me, the contents don't matter. The concept and the principle of her opening up, it almost brings the relationship to a different level, from a mutually-exclusive-messing-around-for-fun relationship to a your-girlfriend-is-a-confidant kind of thing. And thats a big step.
I was quite enjoying being emotionally neglected! It made me feel as though i had very little responsibility in the relationship, sure, i worried a little that we weren't sing from the same hymn sheet but all i had to do was nod when she'd say "i know" in a conversation and that would be it. What could be on that piece of paper? Anything! It could even be those dreaded bloody words, those three little words which i've been swilling around in my head for a while now. Then what would happen?! Oh gosh, i think i'd have to do what a girl does best when she's overcome with emotions and is lost for words; cry.
I don't think it'll have those three words though, but it might have a version of them, or talk about the concept of it, but not those words. I want to know what it says now! But it's more curiosity, not longing. I want her to want to show me, the contents don't matter. The concept and the principle of her opening up, it almost brings the relationship to a different level, from a mutually-exclusive-messing-around-for-fun relationship to a your-girlfriend-is-a-confidant kind of thing. And thats a big step.
Thursday, 20 September 2007
Hello There
This seems to be the first entry in my brand new blog. It's almost like buying a new diary, choosing the one with the pretty colours and the nice ornate borders but without having to pay a penny!
And i get a new identity too. Like a buy-one-get-one-free offer. Fab.
I don't know what this blog will be about, but i felt like i wasn't quite ready to say goodbye completely to the world of blogging. I tried the usual pen and paper writing but it's just not the same, there's no satisfaction in scribbling on paper like there is with hammering away at a keyboard for 20 minutes.
I'm hoping there'll be no identity realisation with this one but c'est la vie.
And i get a new identity too. Like a buy-one-get-one-free offer. Fab.
I don't know what this blog will be about, but i felt like i wasn't quite ready to say goodbye completely to the world of blogging. I tried the usual pen and paper writing but it's just not the same, there's no satisfaction in scribbling on paper like there is with hammering away at a keyboard for 20 minutes.
I'm hoping there'll be no identity realisation with this one but c'est la vie.
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