The Letter

The GF gave me the letter yesterday. We were talking, on the phone, late saturday night. I'd had a niggling feeling of what the letter would be about but i ignored it, dissmissing it because it was so far-fetched. But, it was my gut instict.

On the phone, i told her about the guy i knew who had been abused when he was younger, and, had explained this in a drunken and tearful fit, to a room full of people. I still don't know what pushed me to tell that story but i just knew i had to say it. I think it gave her the opportunity to say what happened to her.

When she was 7 she was abused by a friend of her older brothers. She gave me the letter, explaining everything. I didn't know what to say. She didn't want to talk about it, she just wanted me to know, to release it. She hasn't told anyone else. I felt so stupid, so unhelpful and powerless because i had absolutely no idea what to say, what line to take, what questions to ask, what would make her feel better about it. And i still don't. It's way beyond me. The only reason i was able to talk with the guy before was because he had the answers already, he just needed to get it all out of him and have a vessel for that. She is so introverted and closed that it's a miracle she even told me to begin with.

I feel almost more like a counsellor than a girlfriend. The strange thing is though, i knew this was what it would be like, even at the very beginging, i knew there was a secret or a something-or-other deep inside her that was like a lead weight on her chest, inhibiting her, dragging her down. And i knew -i know this sounds strange and/or arrogant but it's not intended to be that way- that this would be the point of the relationship - to help her. At the beginging i had no idea how, and up until a few days ago i still didn't, i just had an instinctual feeling. I felt, not that she was unhappy but that she had unfulfilled potential.

Sensing this whole thing was the point of the relationship and now not knowing what to do when the ice has finally melted is infuriating. I feel inadequate. But..gosh, i've said "i feel" a lot..i also feel like it was meant to be. Like, cheesy as though it sounds, God brought us together. If this is true then i'm sure he'll figure out a way to guide this whole thing.

I've started to think a lot of things are up to god now, if i get into a med-school, which med-school i go to. My grades are down to me, and i'm working so bloody hard i think my brain might explode, but when you're up against ratio's of 17:1 God must play a part.

We also nearly had sex..well, not really, but..sort of really. Like, topless dry sex nearly. But then that's not really nearly. Oh well.