Well..this is officially the first consecutive blog. I suppose it means i'm starting again.
The one main thing that's playing on my mind is if i'm doing the right thing staying with the GF. Because the honest truth of the matter is, she doesn't turn me on. My initial motives were very diffrent than that of a normal person wanting a relationship.
What i wanted from her was very little, what i wanted her to realise within herself was immense. I wanted to help her believe in herself, i wanted to liberate her from her demons and i wanted to make her happy. I didn't want anything for myself when we first started the relationship and i though that sexual relations were secondary to the major priority of increasing her self esteem. And now..six months on..i don't know.
That's why it freaked me out so much when the girl from saturday was flirting with me. I was unsure about the GF's and i relationship anyway and the added addition of someone whom i used to fancy a serious amount flirting with me just wasn't good for my conscience. It made me think things, or rather, about the possibility of things, and those things were all very really capable of hurting the GF, resulting in real and painful guilt. And that is not something i want to do. Yet i was thinking of things which would hurt her..."if your eyes cause you to sin, gouge them out." Catholic to the core.
I went for a drink, or rather, several drinks, with a friend from last year this evening. It was good. I'd forgotten how much i'd missed him and t was lovely seeing him again. He is just as nice and just as much the gentleman as i remember him. He reminds me of what someone would be like if they hadn't attended TSH.
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Be gentle.
Remember how it feels to be hurt.
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