I was pissed..but i spoke to her

you know what, even though i'm pissed, and the fact that im pissed is probably why i spoke to her, i still spoke to her. This is the girl that has...the praseis hard to express..probably the best way to say is..the word pluged comes to mind but in a non-negative way, the girl that has plauged my existance for an entire year +. That girl. The one who is anorexic. The one my insane mind seems to think i have a connection with. The one...who i seem to...feel for...that one. I spoke to her.

Previously, for the entire year + i haven't had a proper conversation with, but yet she know's my name and came to the party i had months back, that one, i spoke to her today. At her 18th birthday party, which i went to with Nat. It's a significant thing that i spoke to her.

It was a rather brief conversation but it was something. Something more than i've normally been able to initiate when sober. And the reason that it means so much?

The reason may be completely within my mind, but i will express it nonetheless, because i feel i have some insane connection with her, because i feel as though, despite having noy spoken to her, we hold so much in common, that despite not interacting ever, we have a sort of mutal understanding. That we both know what pain is like...how emo..but really, cutting the emotional bullshit, something like that.

And the worst thing; we almost certainly will never speak again. If we have this connection which i think we do, i should initiate something, but i won't because it is almost impossible. You know what i mean. Socially, and that shit. And i'm probably wrong, you know, with the connecion and all.

But it's strange. In this world apperace is everything, i heard somewhere of somthing called the halo effect. Attractive people do better. I'm not saying i'm attractive. Pah! If you as me i will name a thousand faults in my face. But others deem the physical attributes which i possess attractive...you know what this is a load of bullshit. And my point as dissapeared. But i was trying to say because of the way i look people fancy me, and this makes them willing to go beyond the average distance you would g for a stranger fr me...but yeh, i feel as though i have an obligation to talk to this girl not beacause of anything that has hapened socially, but just because. Like Kant says, duty for duties sake. Someone is in pain..however obscure that pain is, and it's your duty to at least attempt, in the best way you can, to help adress that pain. That is what i feel in regard towards this girl. And i love her, in an obscure sense of the word. In the way a stranger can love someone not particulary known to them.

I love this girl, and the saddest thing is i will probably never let her know. I'll continue loving her in the obscure way which i feel for a long time after we dipserse and go our separate ways to whichever universities we wish. I want to tell her. But for such an intimate discussion to come about we will both have to be incredibly pissed.

I will not resign myself to faliure, or, not sharing this notion. (it's not crazy, i know she's unhappy in sone way...she is anorexic) I will share it with her. One day, I will. And she'll know, before we leave. She will.