Letter

I don't know what i've been doing for the past year, i don't know who i've been kidding, or who i was trying to help. i don't even know if worked; i don't know if you're happier without me, or if you never wanted me there in the first place.

I remember the first time we said i love you to each other; we were in the jolly archers and i was highly pissed. so were you, i think. and i said it, because i thought it was what you wanted to hear. i feel like i've just lied to you, incesantly, i fell like every time i say i love you to you you know what i'm saying, you know i'm lying. because, in esscence, that's what i was doing. i do love you, but just not in the way that you wanted me to. i can never love you in the way that you want me to. because i fucked up. and i fucked up big time. i saw you, i felt what you felt and i just couldn't walk away, the plan was to make it better but maybe it just made it a hell of a lot worse. because you knew what i was doing. you knew. and you never said anything. you just carried on with it. i don't even know if this is true. I just feel like it is at the moment. i feel like i've wasted the past year, because if you're not happy, then there was no fucking point in it all. if you're just as sad as you were when i met you then there's been no FUCKING POINT in the past year. and i can't even talk to you to see how you are. how pathetic is that?

I just don't know. i feel so lost. i feel..i have no diea what i fee;. i feel like i want to be there, with you, but in the same relationship we had before. but i know thats wrong. i want to be friends, but with the relationship we had before. because that's what i felt when i was with you. i never loved you like you loved me. i loved you as a friend. and i don't know what deluded fantasy i was in but it lasted for so long and now i'm completely lost. i don't know what to do with myself. it's like i have nothing; nothing to make better. i have no idea where i'm supposed to go from here; if i'm just supposed to go on being happy or if i'm supposed to be sad because you're not with me. i've no idea. You said i made you happier; surely that was the point of everything? but it feels like the entire point of our relationship couldn't have been based around the sole point of making you happier. what the fuck could that have been about? what kind of mess am i in that..i don't understand myself sometimes. sometimes the urge to help clouds what i want for myself. but i just can't stand to see people in as much pain as i was. it's torture. and i mst of all know that.

i don't know how long this is going to take to resolve itself, maybe it never will. it's highly possible. maybe i'll be like this forever.

The question is suppose i'm trying to ask myself is; "how could i have put the happiness of someone else infront of mine for a year?" because that is literally what i did. and i don't know the answer. i just didn't want to see you hurt the way you did.

does it even matter if it was all a lie? because at the end of the day; you are happier. maybe the motives of our relationship don't matter, just as long as the end product is the same.

Darling, i wish i could have loved you the way you loved me. i wish so fucking hard. i could rip my arms in two if it would make me feel for you what you felt for me, but i can't. i just can't. and i wish i could. we would be the happiest couple on earth if i could, but i have tried, and it's impossible.

So that's why i called you. i couldn't take it anymore, i couldn't keep sacraficing myself for you; i had to put myself first for once. and now we're both alone and reasonably unhappy. so look where that got us. a big fucking step was that wasn't it. well done there me.

i don't know what i'm going to do, or how i'm going to go about it, but i just want you to be happy; without me. because i can't keep sacraficing myself. i don't know if i'll ever find someone else, i suppose that's natural though, but when you see me next, i don't want you to be sad. Remember the happy times we spent together. when there were no arguements and no knife cutting silences.

I do love you, and i will always love you, in the same way i loved you when we were together. just that it wasn't the way you wanted me to love you.

Always.

A Week On

So, it's been a week. Or 6 days. But, time has passed.

I don't feel so flacid anymore, i just feel slightly relieved that it's all over. That the unhappy times and the arguements and the ridiculous phone calls where we discussed nothing of consequence have stopped. Relieved that some kind of a decision has been made. And, in my heart of hearts, i think She will feel that too. It was pointless carrying on till christmas as, truely, we both knew what was going to happen. How it was all going to pan out. At least now, (if there is a positive in any of this slimy stew of emotions) we can both see each other at christmas..and hopefully still be friends.

It's always sad when things come to an end. I was looking at some pictures a few days ago and realised how long it was since we were both happy together. Those are the pictures i call the "happy times" because they were the good times, the times worth remembering and tresuring, not the arguements or the reasons why we split up. Watching "Gavin and Stacy" last night reminded me of the happy times, that there can still be happy times with other people, that She will have happy times with others too.

There was a sketch, last night. Gavin and Stacy were sitting on the beach front eating a try of chips.

Gavin; "last chip, here, you have it."
*Stacy takes chip, bites half off and gives Gavin the rest*
*Gavin bites all but the last bit of the chip and hands it back to Stacy*
*Stacy eats the last chip*

It's slightly cheesy but very sweet. And it made me smile.

Flacid

We broke up. We'd been tgether for over a year, i'd moved away and she was in london. It was always going to end but now it has. And there's nothing like the cold harsh touch of reality to bring it all home.

I'm not going to say i didn't want this to happen, or that it's completely out of the blue, because it's not. I'd wanted to break up when we went to university. Then we went to university and i bottled it. During freshers week i thought it would be alright, that we could maybe manage, and then i realised how unhappy i was with the situation. How..compressed i felt. I'm a logical person; i'm going to be here for 7 years, she's going to be in london for 3, what kind of a relationship is that? It's basicaly not a relationship. Basically.

I'm not torn up; i didn't love her in that way. I feel like a flacid penis, just after sex. All the fun and enjoyment and orgasm has happened and now it's gone. And there is the recovery period. Where nothing much happens; you just mourn over the sudden burst of elation which is now past, never to be recaptured. Those moments, they are what is gone. And i can't get the back.

So, i sit here..with what? My flacid body. I sit here, alone, with my flacid body.