Ankh

I just caught sight of the tattoo i have on my wrist, of an Ankh. I've had it for over 2 years now, and unfortunately, i have just realised why, exactly, i got it tattoed.

After my Father left, which, essentially, was rather traumatic, i had a little obbsession with the symbol. I convinced myself of the conection it had with new life and rebirth and what not, and then when a friend's sister suggested getting tatoo's i was all up for it. Spur of the moment sort of thing. So i got it done, without any ID, at 17, at a tattoo parlour in camden ['parlour' is such an american phrase, i hate it but it's what they're generally know as, in the same sense that a betting shop is known as a bookies].

But what i have just realised about this tatoo, is that i always describe it as meaning 'new life and rebirth' but rebirth from what? I got it just after my dad left, it was a way of..of well, symbolising for myself the seperation between the old life, where he was around and present and the new life, where i basically cut all contact with him. And that's not a very nice thing now is it. And i have this tattoo on my wrist, which i didn't realise until now meant the start of cutting him out of my life.

One of the items of my list of things to do this term is to write my Father a letter to explain to him why i've not spoken to him in over 2 years. It's a challenge, i admit. When i put it on the list i had the feeling that i was slightly invincible, i mean, i was learning and being so uber productive i thought it my logical scientifically overloaded brain that i could do anything logically possible, i just forgot about being a human. You know, those pesky emotion things and all that jazz.

I wrote it in the belief that i will do it. So i will do it. If i had that belief, i can maintain that belief and continue to maintain it throughout writing the letter. Through the tears caused by pesky human emotion. Because, deep within me, i know now that it is time to give him a reason, otherwise he will never know. He has a baby for christs sake. I am no adult, i am in the "late stage of adolescence" according to some text book. But i know, and this was in the text book too, that my actions have consequences that reach far beyond just my own wellbeing. They may even reach as far into the well being of this fucking child. And i don't want that to happen. So i best write this bloody letter.

Tattoo's have many meanings, it's not just that it's associated with my Father, it reaches far deeper than that. I used to be a very fucked up person, and i can, oh yes, wait for it, see the light. I feel as though i am better. I am better. I no longer hate myself so passionately that i'd rather hack myself to pieces with a razor than look in the mirror and see someone reasonably nice.

Never acuse me of being an emo. I will gauge out the eye balls of anyone that ever does. Literally. OK, maybe not, but the look they will recieve will make them want to gauge out their own eye balls for staring. People do stare, occasionally.