Calm

I have realised that much of the anxiety, because that is what it is, it's anxiety; text book clinical definition, i have surrounding exams is..well..perhaps slightly self created. It is good, to an extent, as it gives a drive to revise and prepare, but sometimes it can seriously overload me. Anxiety, in my case, usually manifests itself in physical symptoms. I shake, a lot. Uncontrollable shaking. It usually is in my hands but if it gets really bad it can overtake my whole body, i tense up in an attempt to stop it, or at least lessen its obviousness and end up with incredibly sore shoulders, neck and back.

I don't need to be anxious, though. I am a sensible person, i have prepared for these exams to the absolute best of my ability and after doing the practise questions and getting 71% [thankfully a pass] i have proved to myself that the feelings which i create within myself, which are mainly due to fear..fear of inadequecy..are unnecesary. I just don't know how to put a stop to them before they begin.

The shaking got a little ridiculous and i knew if i didn't do something i wouldn't be able to sleep. So i meditated for a while. It sounds pretentious and ridiculous, i will admit that. But it helped, it helped an immense amount. After, a fellow medic friend, Se, knocked on my door and whilst talking i felt the calmest i had been for weeks. I felt almost as if i were stoned, but with a clearer mind. It was a wonderful change to what i normally feel; an explosion on the peak of bursting contained within a lead lined box. I think, perhaps, i should make it a regular thing.