Productive Porcrastination

I'm in the Library right now, supposed to be working but i know that if i try i won't be able to as i have so many things flitting around in my mind. There is a song, This Way which has the most amazing drop in it, it makes you want to sway your entire body to the beat, and that's why i loved it last night, but tonight, the vocal "Why i feel this way?" spins around and around in my head, taunting me.

The same thing that happened with TF-GF is happening with ND. He, well, at least i think, he is falling in love with me. If i'm wrong i'll be the happiest woman alive, but i doubt i am. I like him, i really do, but..i just can't stand the thought of someone loving me. It's..i was about to write 'it's not what i want' but isn't that what we all want? Somone to love us?

I still have a message, at the very end of my inbox, from Hg which ends in 'love you.' Now, the reason it's still there is not because it says love but because in the preamble beforehand. Something sad had happened with one of her love interests and i'd called her as some things just can't be said through a text message. She didn't answer so i left a voicemail, she replied, via text, to the voicemail ending the message with 'love you.' As i was leaving the voicemail i had the strongest urge to finish with with exactly the same thing, but didn't as if there's any doubt when saying words like that, you simply don't say them.

The point of the story is, we all want to be loved. Some just by the wrong people.

Love is not a concept i can handle at the minute, put it that way. Love scares and terrifies me. And for the moment i don't want it anywhere near me. Or, maybe this is scaring me because you can't love more than one person. If i knew how to draw a line through that last scentance i would. This is scaring me because i want to be in love with someone else, and i am aware of that fact, but every day longer i spend knowing ND the more i know i want to be with someone else. But then that someone else is not good for me! And believe me, 'not good' is the understatement of the century..saying Hg and I's relationship issues were complex is like saying the situation in Palestine was less than friendly.

I don't know why i'm even thinking about this anymore. It's ridiculous. I could cry, i would cry, if i wasn't in a public place. This is actually ridiculous, this whole thing. It's fucking outrageously pathetic. Why am i going to Italy? Why am i not over the fucking moon about going to Italy? Why do i still, STILL after all this fucking time, have feelings for Hg? Why? Why won't they just dissapear? Why, when i don't see her for a while, do i feel sad?

Why can't i just be.

Why is there so much fucking work to do regarding Medicine? It's like it never fucking stops. Literally. Like a fountain of water gushing down and half drowning you, allowing you to regain your breath and be calm for a moment, then drowning you again.