I Renounce My Faith In The Catholic Church..

As it's Ash Wednesday and there was a massive poster outside the Catholic Chaplincy [think; side of a bus] that is opposite the Students Union i thought i'd go to mass. It was perhaps half full, not a bad turnout for an evening mass on a wednesday. That said, this Church is basically a Cathedral. Actually, it probably is a Cathedral, it is fucking awesomly huge inside.

After i came out, instead of feeling rejuvinated and ready to start lent with a BANG i felt strange, i didn't feel like my usual self, and in hindsight i now know that feeling manifested itself as irritibility but deep down was probably sadness, which i didn't [very cleverly, although subliminaly so i don't know how much credit is due] allow myself to feel. I came back and i used the word 'irritating' perhaps half a dozen times. I couldn't look in the mirror without hating my reflection. I probably looked like a depressed loser sitting in the kebab shop on my own waiting for my veggie burger and chips and i wasn't even nice to the guy who served me. I was a sour faced bitch. Then 3 friends came into the kebab shop as they'd saw me in there, alone [probably giving the window death stares] and i couldn't bring myself to make conversation, it seemed like simply stringing words together to make a scentance was the hardest possible thing you could have asked me to do at that moment; even harder than walking a tightrope suspended over a lake infested with man eating crockodiles.

The Catholic Guilt Complex is not unknown. When i saw seeing Raffaella she mentioned to me the whole Catholic guilt complex but i blew it off as nothing. Now i see what she meant. I felt guilty, when i was younger, for everything, i felt guilty even for being alive, let alone for who i was and what i represented. I've been educated in Catholic schools my whole life, save several years in a C of E primary school [the Catholic one was, aparently, full] and now i've been away from it for a while i've had the opportunity to realise what non-catholic life is like. It's not normal to have a crucifix hanging in every class room, just above the white board. To remind you, just in case you forgot, that Jesus is watching you.

I can't do it anymore; listening to the responses and what you have to repeat is ridiculous; i can't and won't partake in not so literal, but still equally as painful, self flaggelation. I did that for years, sadly, years. And i'm not doing it anymore; there will be no more hatred for myself, no more self harm [although that did stop a while ago] and no more self doubt. All i want to do is spread love, peace and happiness throughout the word. I don't want to have to endure the hurrendous never ending cycle of self hate, forgiveness, and more self hate [because, as you all know, we are, aparently, worthless..hence; 'lord i am not worthy to recieve you, but only say the word and i shall be healed'] because i enjoy life more when i love myself.

I'm not that awful a person.