Mediums..

Writing was the one medium that helped me infinitely when i was very messed up. It might be because i'm not writing regularly enough, or because i'm not being honest with what i'm writing, or maybe because i'm not putting the effort in that is required to fully undergo the catharsis..

Because that is what helps, the catharsis, thinking things through slowly and methodically and then coming to a balanced conclusion as to the thoughts that were previously swilling around my head in no true or tangible order. That is what i need. And that can be sought through conversation, very, admittedly once sided conversation, but conversation none the less. But writing is what i have resolved to do, so i will. I will allocate time to write, each and every day. Because it is good for me.

What am i currently feeling?

A bit blue. In the case last week there were two types of patient who suffered from COPD, 'blue bloaters' and 'pink puffers.' A blue bloater is someone who..let me remember..aka let me read the wikipeadia article..a blue bloater is someone who is cyanosed ie. has a high carbon dioxide concentration in their blood due to the fact that they are hypoventilating and so therefore unable to expire the adequate volumes of carbon dioxide. That, is exactly what i mean.

Even here there is avoidance, i feel as though my course is crushing me with information and learning objectives and standards. Friday is results day. I've not thought about it yet and probably won't until Thursday evening. It's best this way, there's no point crying over spilt milk and all that jazz.

I cried today, because i felt sad inside. It was whilst writing a text to ND, i was just about to type 'you make me smile' and then i just started crying. He does make me smile though. But i felt so sad. I don't know why i feel sad, i don't feel so sad anymore..i just feel sometimes like i can't connect with anyone on a real level; where i can actually talk to them about things that matter. It's almost as if the conversation always manages to float over superfilous issues again and again and never really touches the ground; the cement that holds us all together. It's always..empty. Void of all real human contact. It drains me.

After the love and the passion within a relationship, all that is left is tears. Tears tears everywhere and plenty more to spare. Tears and a toothbrush, for good measure.