I Think I Love You More, Than You Like Me

Well, that's a line from one of my favourite Streets songs.



It's quite befitting really. I have to ask myself, why do i only ever blog about negative things? Can i not just for once record the amazing, fantastic, miraculous things which go down in my life.

I will tell a story, about a girl.

She was in love, platonic love, with another girl, whom she had been sleeping with for well over a year. This girl had become a lead weight around her neck and as she'd moved to university she could not bear to be with her any more. I remember this girl, staring at me with tears running down her cheeks, on a road in Istanbul. This girl loved me. But i didn't love her in the same way; i think i love you more, than you LIKE me. And she knew it. The beat dropped one day on the tube as they were going home. She asked the girl; "would you die for me?" and the girl replied with no thought of hesitation; "yes." The girl then asked her the same question and that split second passed that should not have passed. I think i love you more, than you like me.

They broke up.

She met another girl whom, months later, she still thinks of. She doesn't know where on earth her heart lies in relation to this girl, she used to love her. I think i love you more; than you like me. She did love her at one point, and i think the girl felt the same. I don't know why i thought this, but..and this is a truth; in no way an arrogant fact but simply a truth about me and who i am; i can read people. I can read them quite well and i know, perhaps 70% of the time what they are thinking. What they are feeling. I don't know how; i just know. So, she thought, also, that the girl loved, or had some sort of feelings for her; but it went tits up.

She thought she was over it. She really did, but then she realised she wasn't.

On the 12th of February she met this Man. She was dancing on the stage, in front of the DJ who just so happened to be Iration Steppa and he was in the crowd. She danced the entire set and he watched her. I have no idea what he was thinking as i was trying not to look at him. The attention made me nervous. I think i love you more, than you like me.

She invited him back for; "Tea, just tea; no sex." She tried to cook some food to acompany the tea but the chips she put in the oven burnt to a cinder. Literally. It was a point of percieved hilarity on his part upon their next meeting. They went to a club night with the best live hip hop she had ever seen. They stayed right until the very end, waiting even for the encore. They had a wonderful time together. She had previously been aprehensive as his grasp of english was..sporadic..but, they managed to overcome the difficulties and language barrier through laughter. She took a picture of him that night, her favourite picture of him she's ever taken.

Their next meeting was to go to the cinama; she met him at the airport and they took the train together into town. They saw 'Vicki Christina Barcelona' and it was perfect. i think i love you more, than you like me..

As they were walking back to her house, inspired by the film, he asked her to join him on his next return to Italy. Her gut feeling told her simply; "Yes." She said no, that she couldn't leave University for 5 days as her workload was too heavy and she regretted it, she knew in her heart she wanted to go.

The next day he asked again and she said; "Yes." She had no idea what would happen or even where in the country they would be going but she said yes anyway, wanting to seize the moment for everything that it could possible hold.

They went to Italy together. All the while the girl whom she had ambiguous feelings for felt 'stressed.' The girl had many an issue in her life at that time but after the main one had subsided she wondered what could be making her stressed. Upon telling her that she was going to Italy she asked; "Are you acutally going to go?" I think..

..i need closure. Not that i want something to happen between us, just to know that she is happy for me. That everything will eventually be alright.

She had a fucking amazing time in Italy. At times it was stressful and there was even an arguement on the way to the airport as the penny dropped on the lack of time and the increasing traffic on the road as they were approaching the airport. The car needed water. The bonnet was opened by him whilst she sat in the passenger seat, waiting. He stood and stared at the engine. She wanted to know what the fuck was taking him so long. She got out of the car and saw the box where the water goes fizzing and bubbling like a rabid dog on crack. She asked him if the water he held in his hand was fizzy. She asked him again. She asked him again. She took the bottle that he held in his hand from him and examined it; "Natural." He took the cap off the fizzy rabid dog and poured the water in. She got back in the car, fuming at being ignored.

"The water was not fizzy. If you put fizzy water in the car will expolde."

"I know, thats why i asked you"

She threw the books she held in her hand; the Communist Manifesto and her diary, at the windscreen.

Whilst in Italy she discovered, via the horrific medium that is facebook, that one of the girls who was in her close circle of friends during secondry school had died. She and others that knew her think it was suicide. It was suicide. She cried in his living room.

They went out the next evening and had the most insanely amazing time in the world. She found the rhythm of life and felt the prescence of God. She also smoked 4 grams of weed. She went to the toilet whilst she knew someone was listening to her. She and the others in the car on the way home had a very strange [but which she thinks was religious] experience. They were controlling the music that came onto the radio, like one insane question and answer. She had smoked 4 grams of weed.

I know sit in my room recanting this and searching for some kind of answer; i think i have found it. And it's not; "I think i love you more; than you like me."

He left a note on my laptop today, after leaving at 4 am, saying;

"SORRYYYYY :) YR BED IS REALLY SMALL
tee hee hee....
I LOVE YOU !!

ps. i left you with a sweet kiss...sleep well"

Signed his name.

I don't think i love anyone..but myself. Which is why i've not been distraught and torn apart by the death of Pb.