5/8

I got 5/8 on the plan of our coursework. Which equates to about 1.2\% out of a possible 2%. And i am really fucked off about it. Really. The fit teacher gave me 8/8 the grade i was aiming for) but it got marked down to a 5 because there wasn’t enough of an explanation about the “running mean”, a statistical method of checking that your samples are concordant.

I want to re-sit it, do better, get that extra 0.8% which doesn’t sound like much, but, in the grand scheme of an a-level, when you need to make up 8 UMS points to scrape an A, is a little bit more than not much.

I’m angry at myself, but more than anger is disappointment, disappointment and fear, fear because i might not meet expectations. Not anyone else's expectations, but my own. My own expectations. The bar i have set myself is so ridiculously high, and if i don’t meet it i know, i know in my heart, that i will carry that disappointment with me for the rest of my life. And “the rest of my life” sounds melodramatic but if i don’t make up those points then i don’t get the grade and i do not go to medical school. I do not become a doctor. That, that outcome, can not happen. If it does, it it turns out i don’t get the grades, i will never forgive myself. Or, at least, i won’t forget it for a very, very, long time. Because “never” is a firm thing to say.

OK, maybe i’ve blown this slightly out of proportion, and i have to admit, i was just about to cry a little bit, before i started writing this, but it’s good to be critical of oneself. Without self-evaluation you stay at a constant ebb, never bettering yourself. I suppose..if i’m honest, this personality trait of mine is like a better version of how i was before. It’s like the self hate without the irrational, overpowering urge to destroy yourself