I got in contact with an old friend via facebook yesterday. She messaged me. I'd missed her, a lot. We'd stopped being friends because, well, honestly, we'd fallen into the wrong crowd, we were very young [16] and had started doing things that were way beyond our age.
It was new years eve '06 and i was the drunkest i'd been in my life. I was only 16, we were only 16 and we'd somehow befriended these women of 24/25 years of age. I was, or had been dating one of them and she [although i didn't know at the time] was essentially sleeping with the other. The other, it has now been revealed, was a crack addict. It was a fun night, but with awful ramifications. I think it was only fun because of how drunk i was. We were in a club and by the end of the night i'd kissed at least 6 people. One of them was the crack addict. After that night my friend and i stopped talking. I told her, several days later, what had happened. I knew i had to get out, i had to stop associating with those people. We stopped talking. I fell into an equally destructive crowd, although they were slightly less awful. Less dregs of the gutter type people. I did reasonably badly in my AS levels. I knew i had to sort my life out, so i did. I turned it around, i got a job, i met the former GF, i stopped going out and moving in the wrong circles, and i aquired a group of friends at TSH-Mark II who were normal, nice and reasonably conventional. Apart from the copious levels of hash some of them smoked. But it could have been worse.
My friend, Cu, however, remained with the crack addict for over a year. She essentially failed her A-levels. She got CDD, which is by no means a fail but she could have achieved so much more. Her life is a mess. Her sisters life is a mess. Her sister is a 'maid' in a brothel. And the gut wrenching thing is they are both from a respectible family, their father is an architect. He designed the fountains outside Centre Point. She is fantastic, and i think, deep down, she knows what a mess her life had become.
She was 16 and lost her virginity, drunkenly, to a 25 year old [ex?] crack addict in some funfair toilets.
I was 16 and lost my virginity, in all sobrieties glory, to a 24 year old failing law student who i'd met, essentially, from the internet.
Both were women. We briefly shared a very fucked up life. It's strange how fucked up reality is. I was speaking to a friend from University, NO2, and she said to me that no-one is normal. Normality doesn't exist. I didn't believe her at the time but i think she was right. She is so wise. Sincerely. When i see her freak out about work i want to shake her and tell her how amazing she is, i want to show her just how much knowledge and determination she possesses. No-one is normal. Absolutely everyone has their own insanely fucked up stories. Most simply don't let it show.
The revision didn't go so well today as i spent perhaps 3 hours on the phone to Cu. But the plan is to get up at 9 am tomorrow, instead of todays 3.30 pm and catch up on what i was supposed to do.
By tomorrow i am to have finished case 1 and have gotten at least half way through case 2, if not finished all of case 2.
13 DAYS.
Thursday, 8 January 2009
Wednesday, 7 January 2009
Revision
Well, the revision is plodding along. Not as quick as i would like but i am learning. Thank the lord. I have 14 days until the important exam. The not so important exam is 12 days away. I have a lot to learn but if i stick to the schedule and get intensive when i return to University on Saturday i should at least be as prepared as i can make myself. I'm slightly terrified though, but with me, exams go the same way. It's a multiple choice, so it may perhaps be harder to tell if i've done awfully, but usually my gut feeling of failure is right. There was an occasion when it wasn't, but it's best to expect the worst, then you're less devastated.
Exams and i go one way; i do them, i cry, i obsess over every detail and question for a week, get sick of obsessing and realise there is nothing i can do. I prepare myself for failure. I convince myself that the worst is not actually that bad. Results day looms, for three days before i cry. I cry a lot. I feel like pooh. The results are released. I decide it's better to live in blissful ignorance. I don't discover my results. One or two days pass, and i decide that i'm being a fool. I look at my result. Usually, in all past experiences, it has been fine. But if it's not fine there are re-sit exams in August. I don't even want to do well, i just want to pass. I just want to pass. Being an honours student would be fantastic, it would make Mother Dearest so proud, but all i want is to be a good doctor. To do right by my prospective patients. I don't think i need to pass with honours to do this. I just want to be a good doctor.
Right now, being a doctor feels like such a far off and challenging goal; to speak to a patient as a doctor, to diagnose the patient, to ensure that every aspect of their health, both psychological and physical is catered for, to embody that role..requires extensive training. I am glad the course is 5 years long because i think it takes that amount of time to aquire the skills needed.
My friend Pt also studies medicine. He, like me, doubted he would even get into Medical School, but we both did. At my University our clinical skills or early experience, or whatever you want to call it consists soley of speaking to patients. That's all we've done, and all we will do, in Semesters 1 & 2. At his University they are already using stethescopes and being taught how to take blood! I think it highlights the differences between the Medical Schools we attend. Where i am the emphasis is most definately on th patient as human being, as a person who has many factors affecting their health, not just simply the disease they are suffering from. That's highly emphasised. Perhaps at Pt's there are taught to see the patient as a biochemicalmachine. Personally, the biochemical machine model of a patient is a hell of a lot less terifying than the human model.
I called that girl. I doubted there would be time to meet [and shag] but i did anyway..and as always she spoke, a lot. Sometimes i get so bored of what she's saying i wonder if she'll notice that i've hung up. Most of it is reasonably interesting if it were a conversation, but it is a one way dialouge. I always worry that i'll become like that. Someone who spouts inane information about their life to anyone that'll listen. So i always try to ask questions, even if they are unnecesary. I always try, or at least when i become conscious of the fact that the conversation has become slightly one sided, i try to engage the other person. But usually there's an equal balance.
I am slightly obsessed by facebook. And for some idiotic reason i am slightly obsessed by the number of friends i have, not so as i can prove to myself or others that i'm popular [har har] but just because i'd like a certain number to illustrate the fact that i can make new friends. To illustrate it to myself, of course. Not to anyone else. I don't particularly give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks about the number of friends i have. But i've noticed that my number of friends has been decreasing. This is probably due to the fact that people i don't know [who i usually don't allow anyway but sometimes they slip through the drunken gaps] or people who aren't real people [such as organisations] have been deleting me. But to delete a friend is a big step. I've only done it once. And that was to prevent them stalking me.
Exams and i go one way; i do them, i cry, i obsess over every detail and question for a week, get sick of obsessing and realise there is nothing i can do. I prepare myself for failure. I convince myself that the worst is not actually that bad. Results day looms, for three days before i cry. I cry a lot. I feel like pooh. The results are released. I decide it's better to live in blissful ignorance. I don't discover my results. One or two days pass, and i decide that i'm being a fool. I look at my result. Usually, in all past experiences, it has been fine. But if it's not fine there are re-sit exams in August. I don't even want to do well, i just want to pass. I just want to pass. Being an honours student would be fantastic, it would make Mother Dearest so proud, but all i want is to be a good doctor. To do right by my prospective patients. I don't think i need to pass with honours to do this. I just want to be a good doctor.
Right now, being a doctor feels like such a far off and challenging goal; to speak to a patient as a doctor, to diagnose the patient, to ensure that every aspect of their health, both psychological and physical is catered for, to embody that role..requires extensive training. I am glad the course is 5 years long because i think it takes that amount of time to aquire the skills needed.
My friend Pt also studies medicine. He, like me, doubted he would even get into Medical School, but we both did. At my University our clinical skills or early experience, or whatever you want to call it consists soley of speaking to patients. That's all we've done, and all we will do, in Semesters 1 & 2. At his University they are already using stethescopes and being taught how to take blood! I think it highlights the differences between the Medical Schools we attend. Where i am the emphasis is most definately on th patient as human being, as a person who has many factors affecting their health, not just simply the disease they are suffering from. That's highly emphasised. Perhaps at Pt's there are taught to see the patient as a biochemicalmachine. Personally, the biochemical machine model of a patient is a hell of a lot less terifying than the human model.
I called that girl. I doubted there would be time to meet [and shag] but i did anyway..and as always she spoke, a lot. Sometimes i get so bored of what she's saying i wonder if she'll notice that i've hung up. Most of it is reasonably interesting if it were a conversation, but it is a one way dialouge. I always worry that i'll become like that. Someone who spouts inane information about their life to anyone that'll listen. So i always try to ask questions, even if they are unnecesary. I always try, or at least when i become conscious of the fact that the conversation has become slightly one sided, i try to engage the other person. But usually there's an equal balance.
I am slightly obsessed by facebook. And for some idiotic reason i am slightly obsessed by the number of friends i have, not so as i can prove to myself or others that i'm popular [har har] but just because i'd like a certain number to illustrate the fact that i can make new friends. To illustrate it to myself, of course. Not to anyone else. I don't particularly give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks about the number of friends i have. But i've noticed that my number of friends has been decreasing. This is probably due to the fact that people i don't know [who i usually don't allow anyway but sometimes they slip through the drunken gaps] or people who aren't real people [such as organisations] have been deleting me. But to delete a friend is a big step. I've only done it once. And that was to prevent them stalking me.
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
Revision
I had A LOT of fun over the Christmas/New Year period but as the ITV news person announced today over pictures of London in about a millimeter of snow [which sadly made the news] many a person is now back at work. I should have done more work over previous said period, but, i didn't so now i'm all for focus. Proper focus. Not focus as in getting up at 3pm [which is what happened today] but focus as in getting up at 9 or 10 am. And doing some bloody work. Because time slips away with procrastination.
I have 8 cases to revise and i've half done one, proplerly done another. I'll do it all in time for the exams, i just need to be organised. Organisation is crucial. And this includes aquiring an adept sleeping pattern. Which i will. I'm also returning to University on the 10th to aid the requirement of revision.
I don't usually watch ITV news and now i know why. It felt like i was being continuously lectured at, the booming male voice annunciating his words to me like i'm a plebian. Which i may well be, but at least humour me into the illusion that i can form my own opinions about a news story. It was like reading the Daily Mail. I suppose this is why i prefer Channel 4. Which, on the surface of it [as both websites lead stories are about CBB] seems no better. How sad. I'm still yet to watch Dead Set despite the fact that i am in love with Charlie Brooker. The bastard.
I was thinking, whilst crying, or crying whilst thinking, today, about the former-GF and i's relationship. I was trying to decifer what the point of it was. And i came up with an answer to Joey's eternal mantra of "there's no such thing as a selfless act." All i did was cause myself a load of saddness and heartache in trying to make things better, i gained sweet FA, i'm left thinking "was there any point" yet she is happy. And that was the original point of it all. Which then lead me to thinking, was that really worth it? The obvious human inclination is to say, "of course!" but really, it's a balancing act. Maybe in a years time i'll reflect and see that it was truly worth it, but now i'm still feeling slightly miffed. And this BOY she's apparently with most definately DOES NOT help. EURGH. I could rant for thousands of words, but i will not.
I will simply say the battery in my camera has run out and i can't find the charger so i've not taken today's or yesterday's pictures. But it is more of a University project.
I have 8 cases to revise and i've half done one, proplerly done another. I'll do it all in time for the exams, i just need to be organised. Organisation is crucial. And this includes aquiring an adept sleeping pattern. Which i will. I'm also returning to University on the 10th to aid the requirement of revision.
I don't usually watch ITV news and now i know why. It felt like i was being continuously lectured at, the booming male voice annunciating his words to me like i'm a plebian. Which i may well be, but at least humour me into the illusion that i can form my own opinions about a news story. It was like reading the Daily Mail. I suppose this is why i prefer Channel 4. Which, on the surface of it [as both websites lead stories are about CBB] seems no better. How sad. I'm still yet to watch Dead Set despite the fact that i am in love with Charlie Brooker. The bastard.
I was thinking, whilst crying, or crying whilst thinking, today, about the former-GF and i's relationship. I was trying to decifer what the point of it was. And i came up with an answer to Joey's eternal mantra of "there's no such thing as a selfless act." All i did was cause myself a load of saddness and heartache in trying to make things better, i gained sweet FA, i'm left thinking "was there any point" yet she is happy. And that was the original point of it all. Which then lead me to thinking, was that really worth it? The obvious human inclination is to say, "of course!" but really, it's a balancing act. Maybe in a years time i'll reflect and see that it was truly worth it, but now i'm still feeling slightly miffed. And this BOY she's apparently with most definately DOES NOT help. EURGH. I could rant for thousands of words, but i will not.
I will simply say the battery in my camera has run out and i can't find the charger so i've not taken today's or yesterday's pictures. But it is more of a University project.
Monday, 5 January 2009
At Home
I feel as though being at home, living in a small family unit, is isolating. Living in halls is so much fun, the corridoor format allows you to wander from one to the other and knock on peoples doors, sit in rooms, chat for hours, watch films, smoke many cigarettes, all whilst in your PJ's and socks. When at home, stuck in this house, i have to leave to make an effort to go out and talk to people. And that sucks. What sucks even more is that He has left for University, accidentally. She doesn't have lectures until the begining of february but left today. She is a bit of a slow one. But i love her to bits. And she's buggered off so i have no-one to pester! Well, i do, but they're all that little bit further away.
This week is going to be for revision. Oh no! I only have Monday - Friday before i go back. How sad. Truly. That is actually a rather sombre and sad thought. Even though i was just moaning about being home and the lack of social interaction. I'm going to miss being home an unbelievably large amount. Nothing beats a house, a sofa, a full fridge, food being made for you, your mum..everything. But university will be VERY fun.
Since breaking up with the former-GF i haven't slept with anyone, this is normally fine but reasonably late at night the seedier sky channels show programmes like "sexectera" and "porn week." These don't usually interest me but there was a section on the cyber-dyke network, whilst watching it i actually got a little bit turned on. And i even went on the website. So desperate was i, i honestly considered paying the fee to watch porn. I didn't, obviously. But i considered it. That's how bad things have gotten. I need to have sex. There is a girl, but i've not slept with her before and..well..i'm a little scared.
We were supposed to meet up last week some time but she couldn't make it as she'd lost her purse and sounded ever so slightly devastated. I called her this evening but her phone went straight to voicemail..i may call her tomorrow. She's hot. And would be very, very, good.
I also created a Flickr account.
This week is going to be for revision. Oh no! I only have Monday - Friday before i go back. How sad. Truly. That is actually a rather sombre and sad thought. Even though i was just moaning about being home and the lack of social interaction. I'm going to miss being home an unbelievably large amount. Nothing beats a house, a sofa, a full fridge, food being made for you, your mum..everything. But university will be VERY fun.
Since breaking up with the former-GF i haven't slept with anyone, this is normally fine but reasonably late at night the seedier sky channels show programmes like "sexectera" and "porn week." These don't usually interest me but there was a section on the cyber-dyke network, whilst watching it i actually got a little bit turned on. And i even went on the website. So desperate was i, i honestly considered paying the fee to watch porn. I didn't, obviously. But i considered it. That's how bad things have gotten. I need to have sex. There is a girl, but i've not slept with her before and..well..i'm a little scared.
We were supposed to meet up last week some time but she couldn't make it as she'd lost her purse and sounded ever so slightly devastated. I called her this evening but her phone went straight to voicemail..i may call her tomorrow. She's hot. And would be very, very, good.
I also created a Flickr account.
Sunday, 4 January 2009
What i did today..
I will keep this resolution. I will, because i want to; chronicling the events of my life enables me to digest them, to understand and reflect on them better, to try and make some sense of them and gain some form of lesson from the things which don't go so well. I will, because i know it helps. I will, because during semester 1 [this incredible period of life which i keep banging on about] i didn't keep a blog and found it impossible to differentiate between times, places, emotions, events..they simply melted into one and other with no real learning expereince gained from any of it. Apart from how to get well and truly wasted. And apparently speak to a door for 30 minutes. Not that i remember any of the later.
Today i went to see The Little Prince at the theater. Apparently the Guardian didn't like it. I liked it, i thought it was..melancholy. He died. Was bitten by a boa constrictor. I have partially read the book, but it was when i was perhaps 8 or 9 so i had forgotten most of the plot. The Guardian is however right about the rose. That was a bit strange. Overall, it was worth £10.
I have decided to go back to University on the 10th despite exams being on the 19th/21st. It is perhaps an acceptance of my own role in my education. And an acknowledgment as to what the best learning environment is; the Library. It will be sad though, as i have very much enjoyed being home. But what must be done must be done.
Whilst not blogging i tried to write a very abstract diary or collection of thoughts written in third person. I will continue writing this as it offers a very interesting reflection. It's..perhaps more honest and spontaineous than this as it can be written anywhere.
Today i also took many pictures. I enjoy taking pictures very much. I enjoy taking pictures of things i think are beautiful, and i think many things are beautiful so i take many pictures. I very much do enjoy taking pictures; it's as though you are able to capture a moment, literaly. A single moment, not even a second as a shutter moves much faster, but a split second, where the light is perfect and the surrounding objects will never be in the same positions again. I especially enjoy taking pictures of people. Not those that i know particularly, just people, interacting; being real. That is beauty. Reality is beauty, reality is humanity and humanity is beauty.
Humanity, however, can also be terribly, terribly ugly.
I am going to document semester 2 by taking at least one picture a day. I am going to make a portfolio and i am going to name it; "My Life in Halls." And i will force my friends to listen to my schpeal and allow me to take photo's of them, because they are an integral part of my life in halls. That, and the feelings i have, which will be documented here and in the insane abstract diary.
- To enable digestion.
- To make learning from life easier.
- For reflection, as an account.
Today i went to see The Little Prince at the theater. Apparently the Guardian didn't like it. I liked it, i thought it was..melancholy. He died. Was bitten by a boa constrictor. I have partially read the book, but it was when i was perhaps 8 or 9 so i had forgotten most of the plot. The Guardian is however right about the rose. That was a bit strange. Overall, it was worth £10.
I have decided to go back to University on the 10th despite exams being on the 19th/21st. It is perhaps an acceptance of my own role in my education. And an acknowledgment as to what the best learning environment is; the Library. It will be sad though, as i have very much enjoyed being home. But what must be done must be done.
Whilst not blogging i tried to write a very abstract diary or collection of thoughts written in third person. I will continue writing this as it offers a very interesting reflection. It's..perhaps more honest and spontaineous than this as it can be written anywhere.
Today i also took many pictures. I enjoy taking pictures very much. I enjoy taking pictures of things i think are beautiful, and i think many things are beautiful so i take many pictures. I very much do enjoy taking pictures; it's as though you are able to capture a moment, literaly. A single moment, not even a second as a shutter moves much faster, but a split second, where the light is perfect and the surrounding objects will never be in the same positions again. I especially enjoy taking pictures of people. Not those that i know particularly, just people, interacting; being real. That is beauty. Reality is beauty, reality is humanity and humanity is beauty.
Humanity, however, can also be terribly, terribly ugly.
I am going to document semester 2 by taking at least one picture a day. I am going to make a portfolio and i am going to name it; "My Life in Halls." And i will force my friends to listen to my schpeal and allow me to take photo's of them, because they are an integral part of my life in halls. That, and the feelings i have, which will be documented here and in the insane abstract diary.
Thursday, 1 January 2009
A New Year
Reflecting on this year brings tears to my eyes. I didn't believe that i could ever have achieved what i have; i am at Medical School, i studied and got the grades i needed [despite never actually knowing if it was possible for me to acheive them] and i have moved to a totally alien city and made new friends. I broke up with the GF, who is now the former-GF. Then, when semester 1 started all i did was work and drink to..avoid..something. And i don't know what that something is. But that same something is why i spent so much of semester 1 in tears.
Life is obviously never going to be easy and what tests us are the ways in which we deal with these conflicts, with these [i'm not going to say something cheesy like challenge, or obstacle, which most blatantly indicates that you're able to overcome it and gleen a positive from a negative *go team*] difficulties is what shapes us. If we crumble inside and cut and scream and bleed and hate ourselves more every day we breath then that makes for a pretty messed up person who will very soon die. If we lash out at everyone around us when the shit hits the fan then we end up with no friends. If we cry..there's always the danger of falling into a pit of self pity, but, on a personal level, crying is the best for me to deal with difficulties. So, i spent a lot of semester 1 in tears.
I still find it slightly hard to comrehend. There is one issue in particular which i'm struggling to digest, but not to accept. I accepted the reality of the situation just after it had been spoken about. What happened between Hg and i is still slightly..it's a mess in my head. I can't believe it happened, i can't believe it didn't happen, but most of all even i am surprised we've managed to remain friends. And not just friends that talk occasionally but good friends, one of the closest friends i have at university. Objectively, that makes for a bit of a strange start. But that's not being obective. That's tip toeing round the subject. Objectively, honestly, i don't know. I think it may just have to be accepted and not understood. Swallowed.
Life is obviously never going to be easy and what tests us are the ways in which we deal with these conflicts, with these [i'm not going to say something cheesy like challenge, or obstacle, which most blatantly indicates that you're able to overcome it and gleen a positive from a negative *go team*] difficulties is what shapes us. If we crumble inside and cut and scream and bleed and hate ourselves more every day we breath then that makes for a pretty messed up person who will very soon die. If we lash out at everyone around us when the shit hits the fan then we end up with no friends. If we cry..there's always the danger of falling into a pit of self pity, but, on a personal level, crying is the best for me to deal with difficulties. So, i spent a lot of semester 1 in tears.
I still find it slightly hard to comrehend. There is one issue in particular which i'm struggling to digest, but not to accept. I accepted the reality of the situation just after it had been spoken about. What happened between Hg and i is still slightly..it's a mess in my head. I can't believe it happened, i can't believe it didn't happen, but most of all even i am surprised we've managed to remain friends. And not just friends that talk occasionally but good friends, one of the closest friends i have at university. Objectively, that makes for a bit of a strange start. But that's not being obective. That's tip toeing round the subject. Objectively, honestly, i don't know. I think it may just have to be accepted and not understood. Swallowed.
Wednesday, 31 December 2008
A Resolution
I resolve to keep a blog once more. For at least a year.
I resolve this because it is the best thing for my mental health. When i am able to document things, tow rite them down, to express myself coherently, verbally, to no one but the space in which this blog inhabits, which, if we are to be pedantic, is not actually a tangible space at all, but when i am able to do this, it is like pouring all the stress away into somewhere. And it's not completely illogical because when i do this i am able to resolve problems, i am able to rationalise the irrational, to absorb and accept the reality of the situation.
I stopped blogging for a while because of numerous reasons. I couldn't get back into it because i was scared of the one thing blogging forces you to acknowledge; reality. It terrified me. And you can not sit and lie to yourself, so i simply ignored it. I didn't blog. I didn't write, i didn't express myself, i didn't do anything. I just got very, very drunk. A lot. Not in an antisocial kind of way, in an inappropriate but oh so easily done kind of way. In a "i had slightly too much fun" kind of way.
When i describe semester 1, the first semester i've spent at university, two phrases come to mind. The first; "i spent half in the library, and the other half wasted" is completely and wholly true. All the memories i have of semester 1 are either pissed, stoned or hung over. The only times when i know i was truly sober are in PBL sessions and whilst on early experience. And that was a maximum of 5 hours a week. The second; it was hideously beautiful. And it truly was. Absolutely hideous. Disgusting, awful, crass and even gut wrenching at times but totally and utterly beautiful in the way only the truth can be. I mean an absolute kind of truth, the truth you only get when you touch reality at its core, when you touch others.
The moment which probably epitomises semester one for me is this.
R and i had just gotten off the bus [the cheap student bus] and were walking to our Halls. I was on probably the worst come down from any kind of substance in my life, although i didn't realise it. The previous night i'd taken ketamine for the first time, two small lines, but i was smoking also so the high was extremely distorted and very strange..as though my thoughts were surrounded by water and had pressure resisting them. R had said an hour or so before, "Don't you take ketamine" and i took it. In hindsight i should have listened.
The comedown, which was half drug induced and half emotional turmoil, felt like i had emotional ADHD and i couldn't decide whether to be content or cry and the reasons as to why. So we stepped off the bus, and i thought of K and the promise she's made to me, then i thought of the former-GF. I tried to remember her phone number but i couldn't. I started crying; full blown tears and sobs so strong i couldn't see where i was walking. Just before i fell R put his arm around me and half carried me to our Halls.
I love him.
Hideous beauty.
I resolve this because it is the best thing for my mental health. When i am able to document things, tow rite them down, to express myself coherently, verbally, to no one but the space in which this blog inhabits, which, if we are to be pedantic, is not actually a tangible space at all, but when i am able to do this, it is like pouring all the stress away into somewhere. And it's not completely illogical because when i do this i am able to resolve problems, i am able to rationalise the irrational, to absorb and accept the reality of the situation.
I stopped blogging for a while because of numerous reasons. I couldn't get back into it because i was scared of the one thing blogging forces you to acknowledge; reality. It terrified me. And you can not sit and lie to yourself, so i simply ignored it. I didn't blog. I didn't write, i didn't express myself, i didn't do anything. I just got very, very drunk. A lot. Not in an antisocial kind of way, in an inappropriate but oh so easily done kind of way. In a "i had slightly too much fun" kind of way.
When i describe semester 1, the first semester i've spent at university, two phrases come to mind. The first; "i spent half in the library, and the other half wasted" is completely and wholly true. All the memories i have of semester 1 are either pissed, stoned or hung over. The only times when i know i was truly sober are in PBL sessions and whilst on early experience. And that was a maximum of 5 hours a week. The second; it was hideously beautiful. And it truly was. Absolutely hideous. Disgusting, awful, crass and even gut wrenching at times but totally and utterly beautiful in the way only the truth can be. I mean an absolute kind of truth, the truth you only get when you touch reality at its core, when you touch others.
The moment which probably epitomises semester one for me is this.
R and i had just gotten off the bus [the cheap student bus] and were walking to our Halls. I was on probably the worst come down from any kind of substance in my life, although i didn't realise it. The previous night i'd taken ketamine for the first time, two small lines, but i was smoking also so the high was extremely distorted and very strange..as though my thoughts were surrounded by water and had pressure resisting them. R had said an hour or so before, "Don't you take ketamine" and i took it. In hindsight i should have listened.
The comedown, which was half drug induced and half emotional turmoil, felt like i had emotional ADHD and i couldn't decide whether to be content or cry and the reasons as to why. So we stepped off the bus, and i thought of K and the promise she's made to me, then i thought of the former-GF. I tried to remember her phone number but i couldn't. I started crying; full blown tears and sobs so strong i couldn't see where i was walking. Just before i fell R put his arm around me and half carried me to our Halls.
I love him.
Hideous beauty.
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