When you're constantly falling asleep on public transport you know you're overstretched. The tube going home and the bus going to work. And it was a proper doze. Not one of those head bouncing moments. I am SO tired. But i'll keep hammering on until next Saturday when i fly out to South Africa on my hodlidays. At least then i won't be so bloody tired.
About this pimps and hoe's party. It all seems to be getting quite hyped up. Like, by quite i mean i'm thinking "OH MY FUCKING LORD JESUS CHRIST" and by hyped i mean a friend of mine overheard two boys (explicityly discribed as boys) talking about it on the bus. A public bus. And she didn't know them from jack. The story is quite funny really.
One was talking about the party and the other asked; "whose having it?" "That lesbian girl" replied the first. "Whats her name" "Dunno, she's proper lesbian though." Then my friend turned around to face them and said to the first "She has a name, you know. It's rude to just call her 'the lesbian girl'" he then replied "yeh, but she's proper proud of being a lesbian." My friend, i think, probably laughed at this ridiculous comment, and then asked "how is she proud of being a lesbian?" to which he replied "one of my friends spoke to her and she introduced the girl standing next to her as her girlfriend." My friend then laughed even more, probably gave him a dirty look and said "well obviously she did that, thats just being polite and having good manners!" Then she accused him of being "ignorant and narrow minded" and she then said he "got angry." He probably got angry because he knew he was, as Mother Dearest would put it "WELL wrong!"
My mind is in crowd control mode. I would absolutely love for only 20 people to turn up but i know that will not happen. So i have to plan for every eventuality. I have my large boobies and amazing powers of diplomacy so combined i should have no problems. I just need the muscle behind me. ie. for my male friends to stay relitivly sober and to stand behind me whilst i issue my orders. And for someone to guard the door. Which no-one but me is to open.
Obviously, i am staying sober until everyone has left and we have cleared the mess up. Sober includes smoking a tiny bit of weed though. I'll need something to calm my nerves.
Friday, 28 March 2008
Tuesday, 25 March 2008
Easter Break
For one reason or another, it has felt more like Easter this year than it ever has before. It seemed to be as though, everywhere you looked there were either over-priced Easter egg's made from the finest organic 70% cocoa chocolate or the telly was moaning about the awful weather we were to have. Perhaps Easter was exacerbated by the fact that we got 2 extra days relief from TSH and i also received paid leave from work. Triumph!
I've recently been moaning about how poor i am, as, for the first time ever in my life, i went into overdraft. Only by £1.29, but still. I felt the pinch! Now that i've been paid however, with 5 weeks wages (to compensate the week holiday they fucked up and didn't pay me) plus the very generous 20% JLP bonus, i am RICH! Ok, maybe not rich, but richer than i've ever been in my life. And i earnt it all. Every penny. So i fucking deserve it.
I'm not being stupid and blowing it all in one go, i'm saving for the summer. The GF and i are planning on going inter-railing around eastern Europe. But the silly fish still hasn't researched where exactly she wants to go. So we haven't booked the tickets yet. We still have time, but not that long. I will soon start nagging.
Trust the Catholic Church, scaremoungerers that they are, to go and induce something like this. Fucking ignorant idiots. Too stupid to even question what the actual science behind the intentions of the scientists is. Injecting the nuclei of a human cell into an empty shell of an animal cell will not create "monsters" as there is nothing left of the animal remaining in the cell. That's the whole point of removing the bloody nuclei, where all DNA is stored in eukaryotic cells. But then, when Their doctrine is based on the science propsed by Aquinas in the 12th century, i wouldn't really expect anything more. What's more terrifying, and what the article highlights brilliantly, is the implications of their scaremongering. The PM is answerable to no-one. Especially not the Fucking Church. Religion has no say in politics, and it should be kept that way. Brown should never have bowed to those idiots.
I've recently been moaning about how poor i am, as, for the first time ever in my life, i went into overdraft. Only by £1.29, but still. I felt the pinch! Now that i've been paid however, with 5 weeks wages (to compensate the week holiday they fucked up and didn't pay me) plus the very generous 20% JLP bonus, i am RICH! Ok, maybe not rich, but richer than i've ever been in my life. And i earnt it all. Every penny. So i fucking deserve it.
I'm not being stupid and blowing it all in one go, i'm saving for the summer. The GF and i are planning on going inter-railing around eastern Europe. But the silly fish still hasn't researched where exactly she wants to go. So we haven't booked the tickets yet. We still have time, but not that long. I will soon start nagging.
Trust the Catholic Church, scaremoungerers that they are, to go and induce something like this. Fucking ignorant idiots. Too stupid to even question what the actual science behind the intentions of the scientists is. Injecting the nuclei of a human cell into an empty shell of an animal cell will not create "monsters" as there is nothing left of the animal remaining in the cell. That's the whole point of removing the bloody nuclei, where all DNA is stored in eukaryotic cells. But then, when Their doctrine is based on the science propsed by Aquinas in the 12th century, i wouldn't really expect anything more. What's more terrifying, and what the article highlights brilliantly, is the implications of their scaremongering. The PM is answerable to no-one. Especially not the Fucking Church. Religion has no say in politics, and it should be kept that way. Brown should never have bowed to those idiots.
Friday, 21 March 2008
Pissed
Nat, a very good friend of mine, had her final drama performace exam last night and to celebrate the entire drama class went out galavanting. I tagged along as i didn't have anything much else to be doing and i know a few of the people anyway. Gosh. Everyone was rather pissed by the end of it.
I went to meet them at around 10-ish thinking they would all be sat in a pub talking and chatting etc. but they were in a trendy bar type place with booming drum and bass music. Drunken people look like monkies whilst dancing to drum and bass. But then drum and bass is easily to dance to, because all you do is bob up and down like you're on a pogo stick and flap you're arms as if making invisible rolls of fat on your arms wobble.
I seem to be having this party next saturday (although it feels as though someone else is having the party and i'm just attending) and Nat kindly invited her entire drama group. On top of all who i know that are coming. At the last party i had there were 10 people in my kitchen alone. And my kitchen is not very large. I have a dredful feeling that the police will be called, and i really do not want that to happen. Living in a cul-de-sac means you have to be nice to the neighbours.
Apart from being incredibly pissed last night, or rather, because i was incredibly pissed last night, i was able to speak to KK, a girl who i've liked for over a year. I think we have a "connection" and i persue every ounce of evidence which will support my theory. The GF, very kindly, listens to my rubbish and nods at the appropriate points. Even she admits there is a slight glimmer of truth in my thinking.
There has only been one other time when i've spoken to KK one on one and to do that took litres of beer and much courage. This time it wasn't so hard, but i discovered that she had my mobile phone number. More proof that there is a "connection" between us as;
1) I'd not given her my number
2) On the record i've spoken to her twice before
I went to meet them at around 10-ish thinking they would all be sat in a pub talking and chatting etc. but they were in a trendy bar type place with booming drum and bass music. Drunken people look like monkies whilst dancing to drum and bass. But then drum and bass is easily to dance to, because all you do is bob up and down like you're on a pogo stick and flap you're arms as if making invisible rolls of fat on your arms wobble.
I seem to be having this party next saturday (although it feels as though someone else is having the party and i'm just attending) and Nat kindly invited her entire drama group. On top of all who i know that are coming. At the last party i had there were 10 people in my kitchen alone. And my kitchen is not very large. I have a dredful feeling that the police will be called, and i really do not want that to happen. Living in a cul-de-sac means you have to be nice to the neighbours.
Apart from being incredibly pissed last night, or rather, because i was incredibly pissed last night, i was able to speak to KK, a girl who i've liked for over a year. I think we have a "connection" and i persue every ounce of evidence which will support my theory. The GF, very kindly, listens to my rubbish and nods at the appropriate points. Even she admits there is a slight glimmer of truth in my thinking.
There has only been one other time when i've spoken to KK one on one and to do that took litres of beer and much courage. This time it wasn't so hard, but i discovered that she had my mobile phone number. More proof that there is a "connection" between us as;
1) I'd not given her my number
2) On the record i've spoken to her twice before
Thursday, 20 March 2008
"You Look Better In Your Myspace Pictures"
The title say's it all really.
Some people, unfortuanetely do look better in their myspace pictues. Not due to shere chance. Oh no. But to the countless hours spend posing on Myspace, ensuring only the perfect images were captured.
I am having a "Pimp's & Hoe's party." Lord knows why i chose that name; i hate the word hoe, ti is so incredibly demeaning to women. I hate it. It just perpetuates the maddness. But the worst thing about this party business is that i've given upthe will to care how it turns out. 2 people or 200 people could turn up and i would remain indifferent as all that is essential is the GF''s presence; if she is there the night will be amazing, not matter how many attend.
It is quite insane. I admit this redily. It can flop lika a bitch; as long as The GF is there i don't mid.
Some people, unfortuanetely do look better in their myspace pictues. Not due to shere chance. Oh no. But to the countless hours spend posing on Myspace, ensuring only the perfect images were captured.
I am having a "Pimp's & Hoe's party." Lord knows why i chose that name; i hate the word hoe, ti is so incredibly demeaning to women. I hate it. It just perpetuates the maddness. But the worst thing about this party business is that i've given upthe will to care how it turns out. 2 people or 200 people could turn up and i would remain indifferent as all that is essential is the GF''s presence; if she is there the night will be amazing, not matter how many attend.
It is quite insane. I admit this redily. It can flop lika a bitch; as long as The GF is there i don't mid.
Tuesday, 18 March 2008
Disaster for TSH
Sr Headmistress is leaving at the end of this academic year and her replacement has been found. Her replacement comes from within the school, an internal replacement, and is just about the worst person ever. It is the homophobic head of sixth who tried to tell Mother Dearest about her big fat lesbo of a daughter. The one who tried, against the advice of the current head of year, to inform my Mother that her daughter was a lesbian (to put it more formally) explicitely against my will.
Say i'm holding a grudge; i'll agree. But her behaviour i will never forget. Ever.
It is this woman, whose "moral convictions" drove her to want to -effectively- destroy the life of a young person who was in her duty of care. "Moral convictions" are utter bollocks. How she acted was due to bare faced, unadulterated homophobia fuelled by religious fundamentalism. And TSH will no doubt worsen in its hardline approach to individuality now she has been appointed head.
It is pricesly the attitude taken by Her, the embodyment of that attitude by the Schools Governers that filters down to grass roots level, which caused me to have such an awful time throughout my secondary education. It's that attitude which results in so many LGBT teens killing themselves. Because they just can not take it anymore. And that attitude will intensify within TSH now that she has been appointed head.
Sr Headmistress was scary and strict, but i truely believe that in her heart, she cared about the girls. She, honestly, has an agenda of her own. What is best for the individual does not come into play in her mind, only Church Propa-fucking-ganda. Jesus would cry if he saw her. But that's what you get if you're Catholic. That's what the Church represents. And that is why reconsiling one's faith with one's sexuality is an incredibly hard feat.
I do loathe Her. I really do. And i shall complain to a trusted teacher about her treatment and attitude towards LGB people, anonymously, before i leave. I may even contact the LEA. Because, my god, if another girl has to go through what i did because of her i will scream.
Say i'm holding a grudge; i'll agree. But her behaviour i will never forget. Ever.
It is this woman, whose "moral convictions" drove her to want to -effectively- destroy the life of a young person who was in her duty of care. "Moral convictions" are utter bollocks. How she acted was due to bare faced, unadulterated homophobia fuelled by religious fundamentalism. And TSH will no doubt worsen in its hardline approach to individuality now she has been appointed head.
It is pricesly the attitude taken by Her, the embodyment of that attitude by the Schools Governers that filters down to grass roots level, which caused me to have such an awful time throughout my secondary education. It's that attitude which results in so many LGBT teens killing themselves. Because they just can not take it anymore. And that attitude will intensify within TSH now that she has been appointed head.
Sr Headmistress was scary and strict, but i truely believe that in her heart, she cared about the girls. She, honestly, has an agenda of her own. What is best for the individual does not come into play in her mind, only Church Propa-fucking-ganda. Jesus would cry if he saw her. But that's what you get if you're Catholic. That's what the Church represents. And that is why reconsiling one's faith with one's sexuality is an incredibly hard feat.
I do loathe Her. I really do. And i shall complain to a trusted teacher about her treatment and attitude towards LGB people, anonymously, before i leave. I may even contact the LEA. Because, my god, if another girl has to go through what i did because of her i will scream.
Sunday, 16 March 2008
eBay
I am no longer an eBay virgin. I bought my first item, a cheap mobile phone to replace the one i lost, whilst my phone is being repaired (for the 2nd time) by tmobile.
I'm getting rather addicted, some of the bargins you can get there are quite amazing. I'm in dire need of an external hard drive to enable me to easily transport all the files from the PC to the lap-top and for me to start saving my media into, but the start price, even on amazon is £60. Which is rather a lot for a glorified memory stick. On eBay, a second hand 500GB went for £25 including postage and packaging. OK, it was a vile blue colour and looked quite chunky but a hard drive is a hard drive and i'm not particularly picky when its sold for half the retail value.
In other news, one of my fellow bretherin (the check-out girls) got sacked for nicking from the tills. Shock. Horror. Although the source of this information is highly unreliable something tells me there is an element of truth in it. And whilst we were cashing up on Thursday night one of the girls was taken aside and dissapeared into a side room, aparently never to be seen again. Oh, the halarity.
Stupid person. If you're going to nick something, at least do it properly. Nick a whole days takings by breaking in at night and stealing it the proper way, don't just nick a few hundred. Duh.
But then people are short sighted. And it serves her right getting caught. Only stupid people get caught because stupid people can't cover their tracks properly. Over the past 2 weeks they've introduced several measures to insure people don't nick from tills; plastic bags you have to seal and sign, supervision whilst handling cash, supervision so you're not alone with large amounts of money etc. and still the silly girl pushed her luck one step too far. She deserves everything she gets.
I've also discovered the joy of torrents. Don't ask me what they are, because i don't fully understand the oncept yet myself, but they allow you to download movies in a matter of hours. Brilliant, really. And as the connection i have is uber-fast i can download a movie in an hour and a half. Extreme piracy! Yey!
Serves Vue cinema's bloody well right for charging £5.65 a ticket. And that's with a student discount! Without it you're facing loosing the best part of £10 for one person to see a movie. Fucking ridiculous.
I'm getting rather addicted, some of the bargins you can get there are quite amazing. I'm in dire need of an external hard drive to enable me to easily transport all the files from the PC to the lap-top and for me to start saving my media into, but the start price, even on amazon is £60. Which is rather a lot for a glorified memory stick. On eBay, a second hand 500GB went for £25 including postage and packaging. OK, it was a vile blue colour and looked quite chunky but a hard drive is a hard drive and i'm not particularly picky when its sold for half the retail value.
In other news, one of my fellow bretherin (the check-out girls) got sacked for nicking from the tills. Shock. Horror. Although the source of this information is highly unreliable something tells me there is an element of truth in it. And whilst we were cashing up on Thursday night one of the girls was taken aside and dissapeared into a side room, aparently never to be seen again. Oh, the halarity.
Stupid person. If you're going to nick something, at least do it properly. Nick a whole days takings by breaking in at night and stealing it the proper way, don't just nick a few hundred. Duh.
But then people are short sighted. And it serves her right getting caught. Only stupid people get caught because stupid people can't cover their tracks properly. Over the past 2 weeks they've introduced several measures to insure people don't nick from tills; plastic bags you have to seal and sign, supervision whilst handling cash, supervision so you're not alone with large amounts of money etc. and still the silly girl pushed her luck one step too far. She deserves everything she gets.
I've also discovered the joy of torrents. Don't ask me what they are, because i don't fully understand the oncept yet myself, but they allow you to download movies in a matter of hours. Brilliant, really. And as the connection i have is uber-fast i can download a movie in an hour and a half. Extreme piracy! Yey!
Serves Vue cinema's bloody well right for charging £5.65 a ticket. And that's with a student discount! Without it you're facing loosing the best part of £10 for one person to see a movie. Fucking ridiculous.
Wednesday, 12 March 2008
Friends
As i've grown more independant, the issue of having "friends" has become less and less important to me. But, by friend, i don't mean those who you truly care about and would go far out of your way to help, i mean..the plastic kind. Those who, somehow, seem to be part of your social group but who you don't particularly like or wish to speak to. But who you save face by talking to when you're alone so you don't feel like a loser.
The number of those people has drastically decreased. Infact, they are non-existant. And almost as a by-product, i don't really talk to that many people during my lessons. I feel it most in Chemistry, where i sit at the back a space apart from a dopy girl who is, unfortunately, set to get an E. I don't mind, infact, its quite liberating. It's just strange how unaffected i've become by the lack of someone to cling on to. Biology it is less so as there is always a conversation to join, but i have absolutely nothing in common with the people in Chem.
I guess this is a positive thing. It's the same at waitrose, although to a lesser extent. I do try and make conversation with people sometimes, if possible. Eugh. Waitrose. I have to work again tommorow. And i really don't want to. It's driving me fucking mad. But the money is good, and by the time summer comes running around, i should have at least a grand saved for fun and debauchery.
The number of those people has drastically decreased. Infact, they are non-existant. And almost as a by-product, i don't really talk to that many people during my lessons. I feel it most in Chemistry, where i sit at the back a space apart from a dopy girl who is, unfortunately, set to get an E. I don't mind, infact, its quite liberating. It's just strange how unaffected i've become by the lack of someone to cling on to. Biology it is less so as there is always a conversation to join, but i have absolutely nothing in common with the people in Chem.
I guess this is a positive thing. It's the same at waitrose, although to a lesser extent. I do try and make conversation with people sometimes, if possible. Eugh. Waitrose. I have to work again tommorow. And i really don't want to. It's driving me fucking mad. But the money is good, and by the time summer comes running around, i should have at least a grand saved for fun and debauchery.
Monday, 10 March 2008
Hmph
Before work this evening i was feeling exeedingly pissed off. I don't know what it was, probably just the pressure getting to me, but i just wanted to shout really, really loud, like amazonian way cry loud, until all the air within my lungs had been exhauseted and i collapsed, breathless. Of course i restrained myself. But it would have been good to just let rip, wolf style.
Whilst standing at my till an idea came to me; i can cheer myself up with retail therapy! I have (literally) been wearing the same clothes for the past 3 months. This is not because i have few clothes; i have many, but i think it is because i have other, more pressing, issues to consider other than the state of my apperance. But this weekend i'm going shopping and dragging the GF with me. Retail therapy is what will cure this frustration!
In other news, the lesbo massive will soon be able to have children together, without the aid of the sperm bank! They just need to get rid of the ban and it a dozen or so years it'll be rolled out and tested on humans. Just in time for me. I always knew it would happen and i have complete faith in the ability of the scientists working on the project. They'll have money thrown at them to enable the conversion of stem cells to sperm cells after the ban has been lifted and they wll find a way.
Admittedly, it is selfish to want your own biological children when there are so many orphans in the world, desperate for a home and parents to love them but..its human instinct to want your own children..to further your family tree, to pass on your genes and your adaptations. To want mini-you's walking around the place.
----------------
Now playing: Girls Aloud - Call The Shots
via FoxyTunes
Whilst standing at my till an idea came to me; i can cheer myself up with retail therapy! I have (literally) been wearing the same clothes for the past 3 months. This is not because i have few clothes; i have many, but i think it is because i have other, more pressing, issues to consider other than the state of my apperance. But this weekend i'm going shopping and dragging the GF with me. Retail therapy is what will cure this frustration!
In other news, the lesbo massive will soon be able to have children together, without the aid of the sperm bank! They just need to get rid of the ban and it a dozen or so years it'll be rolled out and tested on humans. Just in time for me. I always knew it would happen and i have complete faith in the ability of the scientists working on the project. They'll have money thrown at them to enable the conversion of stem cells to sperm cells after the ban has been lifted and they wll find a way.
Admittedly, it is selfish to want your own biological children when there are so many orphans in the world, desperate for a home and parents to love them but..its human instinct to want your own children..to further your family tree, to pass on your genes and your adaptations. To want mini-you's walking around the place.
----------------
Now playing: Girls Aloud - Call The Shots
via FoxyTunes
Sunday, 9 March 2008
A A A
All the worrying turned out to be unnecessary. Thankfully. 3 A's.
- RE - 80/90
- Biology - 78/90
- Chemistry - 79/90
I think, on the whole, thats a very respectable set of results, given that they are in A2 examinations, which, many say, are the hardest you sit in your life. The pressure has momentarily been removed. I can breath a sigh of relief, i still have a chance.
But the key word, the most essential word in the thinking ramifying from these results, is chance. I have not made it yet. There are still 210 UMS points to gain until the entire A-level course is finished, and those are enough to fuck up on. I have a chance, i do not have a guaranteed firmly accepted, unconditional offer. And i have to remember that. Zero complacency.
100% effort in all work. Only 100% is good enough now, because that is what i gave to achieve those results. And that was why i was so scared to receive them because, if they were not good enough, then my best, my 100% was not enough. And there was no way i could make up the points. But now i can see my 100% is good enough. And i consistently have to give that. Until all exams are over. Because to loose out now, would haunt me forever.
I need AAB but what i'm aiming for is AAA, not because if i aim higher than needed and fail it's alright as i still am safe but because i believe i can get AAA. And i would always, always, remember and regret underachieving.
I have a theory on underachieving academically and it is this; to deliberately underachieve through laziness and complacency is to spit in the faces of both those who have the ability but not the means to achieve and those who have the means but lack the ability. Because both those without the means and those without the ability try to achieve and hopefully succeed through sheer determination, but they have to try infinitely harder, overcoming many more barriers than the underachiever. To the underachiever it comes naturally, and to not appreciate the difficulty with which some struggle to achieve what they find easy, is selfish. #
However, if you do appreciate the struggle which others have and still choose to underachieve, you are an idiot. Which is unfortunately what i think of my stoner friend who is most happy achieving C's in his A-levels when he is perfectly capable (but too stoned) to achieve A's. And i tell him so. And he laughs. That's what too much weed does to you!
Thursday, 6 March 2008
U's U's everywhere, plenty enough to go around. And a medical form.
The GF got a U in her AS re-sit. She got a U in her AS and was hoping to get higher this year. I am very worried for her. This is her third year of AS/A2 and if she leaves with only 2 full A-levels it will be terrible. I don't know what to say to her, or what advice to suggest but there most definitely will not be any "i told you so's" because, although i did, there is no point. She should have taken Film. Nice and easy. Not too stressful, and you're guaranteed at least a B. But she took music. And now she has to deal with it. And so do i.
This wave of U's is not making me feel uber confident about myself. And i was very nearly almost late for work because of a semi-explainable crying fit just before i had to leave. Sometimes i think, if i heard voices, then i really would be 100% schizophrenic.
Some icing on the metaphorical cake of life; a medical disclosure form from manchester asking for all health details. Which would normally be fine but..it includes mental health. And also requires a GP's signature. Which is fine, my GP is a knob who i've not ever seen, not even once since registering with him when i was 7. He'll sign the form, cross the T's and stamp the stamp. It's just the practicalities that worry me. Because, at one point in my hypothetical training IF (a capitalised IF) i get the grades, i will have to expose my fore-arms. And unfortunatly the scarring looks as though it is permenant.
There is very little colour in them now and what's left is a..like a very thick stretch mark. But lots of them, going downwards from my wrist to my elbow. But, regardless of what they look like, they are there. That is my dilemma. They are there, obvious and glaring. And i think they always will be.
So, the questions in question; "Have you ever been affected by mental health problems eg. ...over-dose or self-harm.." answer; tick "yes" or "no" box, give details (condensed into 3 lines) below. "Have you ever received treatment from a psychiatrist, psychotherapist or counsellor?" answer; tick "yes" or "no" box.
If i lie, i lie directly. It is not a case of a non-truth. It is a lie. And at the bottom it says "i understand that if this is later shown not to be the case it may result in the offer of a place being withdrawn or reconsideration of my suitability to continue with my course." so, regardless of if they would or not, they hold the right to chuck me off.
I want to be honest; i want to talk to Hilary (that will take some balls) and ask her to write a letter briefing them and explaining to them that i'm fine. Because that way is better, there is no deciept. But fuck me it will be hard to call Hilary.
This makes me glad of one thing; that the NHS do not hold any of my records. That i am not at the mercy of my G-fucking-P. That i will never, ever, have to formally declare my history unless i fully wish to do so. Because none of it is on file.
I think i will have to call Hilary. Because lying is, well, you can't really lie about the writing on the wall now can you?
This wave of U's is not making me feel uber confident about myself. And i was very nearly almost late for work because of a semi-explainable crying fit just before i had to leave. Sometimes i think, if i heard voices, then i really would be 100% schizophrenic.
Some icing on the metaphorical cake of life; a medical disclosure form from manchester asking for all health details. Which would normally be fine but..it includes mental health. And also requires a GP's signature. Which is fine, my GP is a knob who i've not ever seen, not even once since registering with him when i was 7. He'll sign the form, cross the T's and stamp the stamp. It's just the practicalities that worry me. Because, at one point in my hypothetical training IF (a capitalised IF) i get the grades, i will have to expose my fore-arms. And unfortunatly the scarring looks as though it is permenant.
There is very little colour in them now and what's left is a..like a very thick stretch mark. But lots of them, going downwards from my wrist to my elbow. But, regardless of what they look like, they are there. That is my dilemma. They are there, obvious and glaring. And i think they always will be.
So, the questions in question; "Have you ever been affected by mental health problems eg. ...over-dose or self-harm.." answer; tick "yes" or "no" box, give details (condensed into 3 lines) below. "Have you ever received treatment from a psychiatrist, psychotherapist or counsellor?" answer; tick "yes" or "no" box.
If i lie, i lie directly. It is not a case of a non-truth. It is a lie. And at the bottom it says "i understand that if this is later shown not to be the case it may result in the offer of a place being withdrawn or reconsideration of my suitability to continue with my course." so, regardless of if they would or not, they hold the right to chuck me off.
I want to be honest; i want to talk to Hilary (that will take some balls) and ask her to write a letter briefing them and explaining to them that i'm fine. Because that way is better, there is no deciept. But fuck me it will be hard to call Hilary.
This makes me glad of one thing; that the NHS do not hold any of my records. That i am not at the mercy of my G-fucking-P. That i will never, ever, have to formally declare my history unless i fully wish to do so. Because none of it is on file.
I think i will have to call Hilary. Because lying is, well, you can't really lie about the writing on the wall now can you?
Results
Results are back from the January exams. I do not want to know. I want to and will attempt, to live on in blissful ignorance for as long as i can. Because, if i think about it, then i start to cry. So i don't think about it. If i revieve them, apart from forcing me to think about it, if they are bad, thats it. It's over. Finished. No more Dr Belle. Thats what scares me so much, thats why, whenever i start thinking about the results, i start to cry.
There are, of course, ways around it, but Medical schools specify that each A-level taken is achieved in a single sitting. Last year i fucked up. And my AS scores are not as good as they could have been. So i could re-take a module in Chemistry in June and hope that the University accepts the circumstances that caused the poor grades in the summer exams. And i could, if the Extended Essay is marked harshly, sit an exam on the same module in RE. But it is fiddly and could still result in a rejection on the grounds that i didn't achieve the grades in a single sitting.
Nat called me whilst i was with the GF, in tears. She had just recieved a set of results. Two AS re-takes and an A2 module; UEU. Everyone, it seems, has done poorly.
If i don't do well in the January exams i'll never meet the conditions of my offer. And the worst thing is knowing that, knowing, even before you've sat another load of fucking exams, that it is impossible for you to follow your dream.
There are, of course, ways around it, but Medical schools specify that each A-level taken is achieved in a single sitting. Last year i fucked up. And my AS scores are not as good as they could have been. So i could re-take a module in Chemistry in June and hope that the University accepts the circumstances that caused the poor grades in the summer exams. And i could, if the Extended Essay is marked harshly, sit an exam on the same module in RE. But it is fiddly and could still result in a rejection on the grounds that i didn't achieve the grades in a single sitting.
Nat called me whilst i was with the GF, in tears. She had just recieved a set of results. Two AS re-takes and an A2 module; UEU. Everyone, it seems, has done poorly.
If i don't do well in the January exams i'll never meet the conditions of my offer. And the worst thing is knowing that, knowing, even before you've sat another load of fucking exams, that it is impossible for you to follow your dream.
Wednesday, 5 March 2008
Offer
Despite all my worrying, i've recieved an offer to study medicine at Manchester.
Quite miraculous really.
I still think the interview was a bit crap, but..there is also something else i think. And for the logical person that i pride myself in being, it's quite strange, or, maybe not strange, but..unexplainable. I think (and i know it sounds slightly cheesy) it is my vocation or calling to be a doctor, to do my bit for society in the way best suited to the skills i possess. And i wholeheartedly believe i was saved for a reason. Because there was a hairs breadth between life and death at one point.
There is a reason i'm here, there is a reason i'm stable and happy and able to positively contribute to society. And i believe that reason is God. He saved me, in some form. And he guided me, and is continuing to guide me, through life. Because i could very easily have died. And i could very easily still be destroying my on body. But i'm not. I'm going on to study medicine in 2008. So, by 2015 (or thereabouts) i should graduate Dr Belle. And i will devote my life to saving others'.
It struck me as i was washing the dishes after making the second lot of pancakes with the Beavers, just how much work i do with others. Peer mentoring both one on one and with a form and running Beavers. It is a lot. And it is a FUCK load (lol) of a lot more than a very large proportion of my friends do. And i work part time. And i keep on top of my studies. But then, i wouldn't have it any other way.
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Now playing: Robyn - Bum Like You
via FoxyTunes
Quite miraculous really.
I still think the interview was a bit crap, but..there is also something else i think. And for the logical person that i pride myself in being, it's quite strange, or, maybe not strange, but..unexplainable. I think (and i know it sounds slightly cheesy) it is my vocation or calling to be a doctor, to do my bit for society in the way best suited to the skills i possess. And i wholeheartedly believe i was saved for a reason. Because there was a hairs breadth between life and death at one point.
There is a reason i'm here, there is a reason i'm stable and happy and able to positively contribute to society. And i believe that reason is God. He saved me, in some form. And he guided me, and is continuing to guide me, through life. Because i could very easily have died. And i could very easily still be destroying my on body. But i'm not. I'm going on to study medicine in 2008. So, by 2015 (or thereabouts) i should graduate Dr Belle. And i will devote my life to saving others'.
It struck me as i was washing the dishes after making the second lot of pancakes with the Beavers, just how much work i do with others. Peer mentoring both one on one and with a form and running Beavers. It is a lot. And it is a FUCK load (lol) of a lot more than a very large proportion of my friends do. And i work part time. And i keep on top of my studies. But then, i wouldn't have it any other way.
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Now playing: Robyn - Bum Like You
via FoxyTunes
Monday, 3 March 2008
"Know thy self time"
My head of year has a phrase and that phrase she likes to repeat, weekly, in our Monday morning assemblies. That phrase is "Right people! It's know thy self time." For the past month she's said it, in increasing frequency and now it has reached its maximum. I don't think she could have spent any more time attempting to emphasise her point if she tried.
The entire hour was devoted to emphasising the "know thy self" theme which she has been persueing for the past month. But not in the nice, conventional sense. Oh no. We were not lucky enough to recieve the censored version. We got the full frontal rant that lasted for 45 minutes. And was followed by a "know thy self" activity.
Essentially, the message was; you lot (all of you but 20) are going to fail. And you don't seem to care about it. And time has very almost run out for you to change things as there is only 6 weeks left until exams, so, you need to realise that. You need to know yourselves.
Now, of course, me being a reasonably intelligent girl, well, i at first thought this was not directed at me. And then i thought a little harder and, well, the "know thy self" penny kind of dropped. Or, put it this way, the penny was up there at the top of the Eiffel Tower and i was down there at the bottom, my fingers in my ears. It was dropped, gained speed and reached maximum velocity just before smashing into my head, splitting it in two. It shattered my illusion that i was doing enough work into a thousand tiny little pieces and effectively ruined the rest of my day. Which was not fun.
And it made me cry a little. It is an incredibly depressing truth, furthered only by the even more terrifying reality that is January module results day. Friday. That, i really am dreading. I really, really, do not want to know what i got. I am happy in my blissful ignorance..oh gosh..the tears are coming again. It scares me so deeply because if all does not go to plan and i do not get 90% then there are well and truly are no more chances. There is nothing i can do. The dream is over. So if i do badly now, then i'm super fucked for the june exams. And by bad, i don't mean 45% i mean anything short of 80% because anything short of 80% will mean i'm fucked. And me being fucked would be a very, very, bad thing for me. Because i'd..well, i wouldn't know what to do. I wouldn't have anything to do. It would be a disaster.
So..i think i'm allowed to be slightly shitting myself about these results.
But at least i "know myself." Socrates would be proud.
Essentially, the message was; you lot (all of you but 20) are going to fail. And you don't seem to care about it. And time has very almost run out for you to change things as there is only 6 weeks left until exams, so, you need to realise that. You need to know yourselves.
Now, of course, me being a reasonably intelligent girl, well, i at first thought this was not directed at me. And then i thought a little harder and, well, the "know thy self" penny kind of dropped. Or, put it this way, the penny was up there at the top of the Eiffel Tower and i was down there at the bottom, my fingers in my ears. It was dropped, gained speed and reached maximum velocity just before smashing into my head, splitting it in two. It shattered my illusion that i was doing enough work into a thousand tiny little pieces and effectively ruined the rest of my day. Which was not fun.
And it made me cry a little. It is an incredibly depressing truth, furthered only by the even more terrifying reality that is January module results day. Friday. That, i really am dreading. I really, really, do not want to know what i got. I am happy in my blissful ignorance..oh gosh..the tears are coming again. It scares me so deeply because if all does not go to plan and i do not get 90% then there are well and truly are no more chances. There is nothing i can do. The dream is over. So if i do badly now, then i'm super fucked for the june exams. And by bad, i don't mean 45% i mean anything short of 80% because anything short of 80% will mean i'm fucked. And me being fucked would be a very, very, bad thing for me. Because i'd..well, i wouldn't know what to do. I wouldn't have anything to do. It would be a disaster.
So..i think i'm allowed to be slightly shitting myself about these results.
But at least i "know myself." Socrates would be proud.
Sunday, 2 March 2008
I wouldn't
I was feeling a tad depressed without the GF and i realised.
Even if i did get the opportunity, i wouldn't sleep with or even enter into physical contact with TFO.
I love the GF too much to hurt her. And perhaps thats what love is; refusing opportunities which you'd normally jump at to prevent hurting the ones you care for.
Even if i did get the opportunity, i wouldn't sleep with or even enter into physical contact with TFO.
I love the GF too much to hurt her. And perhaps thats what love is; refusing opportunities which you'd normally jump at to prevent hurting the ones you care for.
Flirting?
So, what really is flirting? And how obvious does it have to be to be classed as flirting. Can a simple touch be flirting, or, alternatively, a sideways glance in their direction? What is it? I turn to the built in dictionary on my mac. And it is quite helpful. Within western society these are;
Personally, the flirting and or signals that i read and emmit are way below the usual radar of any man. I don't "like to lay it on thick" as it were and i most definately do not go beyond the slight touch of the arm. Which can sometimes be to my detriment. But nine times out of ten it doesn't matter anyway, as the end result is usually the same. Or, it was before i became attatched. There would be an exchange of numbers and maybe a snog. And then i'd avoid their calls and never see them again.
Gosh, i've been going round in circles and not really saying much here. For me, flirting isn't about showing your interest, sending the "i want you" subliminal messages, it's about gradually pushing the barriers which are usually present between two people, playing a game of perception and reaction, a game with two living players and no limits. And if the game they play is a boring one; then they loose out.
There is this person who i suppose i would call a friend as i know them but not too well. I think she fancies either the GF or I or both combined (now wouldn't that be fun!) and i think i may have very subtly flirted with her. Unintentionally of course. After exchanging a few words, she inquired as to how my interview went (how she knew i had an interview i don't know) and we chatted about university, she tried to light a cigarette and couldn't. Without saying anything i took the lighter and lit it for her. It was only a few seconds but there was a boundry that was crossed.
As any smoker will know (i myself am an ex-smoker) it is a strangely intimate thing when someone lights a cigarette for you. Both couppled around a single lighter, heads bent down together, near enough to feel their breath on your skin. And then it was over. And then i was walking away. It was a strange encounter. I don't fancy her though. So there's no chance of straying loyalties.
The Master Plan (how to shag TFO-that sounds rather crude..i need a new word to describe shagging) needs careful consideration and deliberation over the maze of body language and "flirting" tactics that will be used. But, in the end, one thing needs to happen; a kiss. Once that line has been crossed there is no turning back.
One of the mentee's said a funny thing in a session; "there's one thing that you have over teachers; they can't touch you." And it's true. And it exacerbates the problem even more. How on earth to act when a simple touch is so taboo.
Oh, fuck it. Who cares. Whatever happens will happen. And my new word shall be sleep with. And this is no game to me. I joke, but if something were to happen i understand how imperative secrecy is.
Due to the interview i missed the only lesson i have with her and she asked a friend to give me some work. The friend, knowing the situation, explained this to me; "TFO (i also need to find a new name for her) started to write a note on the work but then scribbled it out again. It might have been because she only wanted you to read it and knew that if i gave it to you, i would have read it." I don't know what the note was about, what her reason for writing it was or why she decided against it but i know that to start to write and then scribble something out is unusual behaviour. Also, she has casually come into every lesson i have with the other teacher. Every one, ok, there have only been like 3 but still. It's 3 more than usual. And just before she leaves she surveys the room, looking for what, i don't know as my head is always avoiding eye contact. Oh, how gay i am.
- Eye contact, batting eyelashes, etc.
- "Protean" signals, such as touching one's hair
- Casual touches; such as a woman gently touching a man's arm during conversation
- Smiling suggestively
- Winking
- Sending notes, poems, or small gifts
- Flattery
- Online chat is a common modern tactic, as well as other one-on-one and direct messaging services
- Footsie, the "feet under the table" practice
- Teasing
- Consistent meeting
Personally, the flirting and or signals that i read and emmit are way below the usual radar of any man. I don't "like to lay it on thick" as it were and i most definately do not go beyond the slight touch of the arm. Which can sometimes be to my detriment. But nine times out of ten it doesn't matter anyway, as the end result is usually the same. Or, it was before i became attatched. There would be an exchange of numbers and maybe a snog. And then i'd avoid their calls and never see them again.
Gosh, i've been going round in circles and not really saying much here. For me, flirting isn't about showing your interest, sending the "i want you" subliminal messages, it's about gradually pushing the barriers which are usually present between two people, playing a game of perception and reaction, a game with two living players and no limits. And if the game they play is a boring one; then they loose out.
There is this person who i suppose i would call a friend as i know them but not too well. I think she fancies either the GF or I or both combined (now wouldn't that be fun!) and i think i may have very subtly flirted with her. Unintentionally of course. After exchanging a few words, she inquired as to how my interview went (how she knew i had an interview i don't know) and we chatted about university, she tried to light a cigarette and couldn't. Without saying anything i took the lighter and lit it for her. It was only a few seconds but there was a boundry that was crossed.
As any smoker will know (i myself am an ex-smoker) it is a strangely intimate thing when someone lights a cigarette for you. Both couppled around a single lighter, heads bent down together, near enough to feel their breath on your skin. And then it was over. And then i was walking away. It was a strange encounter. I don't fancy her though. So there's no chance of straying loyalties.
The Master Plan (how to shag TFO-that sounds rather crude..i need a new word to describe shagging) needs careful consideration and deliberation over the maze of body language and "flirting" tactics that will be used. But, in the end, one thing needs to happen; a kiss. Once that line has been crossed there is no turning back.
One of the mentee's said a funny thing in a session; "there's one thing that you have over teachers; they can't touch you." And it's true. And it exacerbates the problem even more. How on earth to act when a simple touch is so taboo.
Oh, fuck it. Who cares. Whatever happens will happen. And my new word shall be sleep with. And this is no game to me. I joke, but if something were to happen i understand how imperative secrecy is.
Due to the interview i missed the only lesson i have with her and she asked a friend to give me some work. The friend, knowing the situation, explained this to me; "TFO (i also need to find a new name for her) started to write a note on the work but then scribbled it out again. It might have been because she only wanted you to read it and knew that if i gave it to you, i would have read it." I don't know what the note was about, what her reason for writing it was or why she decided against it but i know that to start to write and then scribble something out is unusual behaviour. Also, she has casually come into every lesson i have with the other teacher. Every one, ok, there have only been like 3 but still. It's 3 more than usual. And just before she leaves she surveys the room, looking for what, i don't know as my head is always avoiding eye contact. Oh, how gay i am.
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