Iterveiw

fucking hell

when thinking over what happened previously, you always think of what you could have changed, what you coud have done better and what glaring errors you made. And, gosh, this is no different. There are a few glaring errors.

The ethical question was about performance enhancing drugs and sportspeople, whether or not they should use them Which number 1, was gay, because i was expecting a question bout the NHS in some round about form. But i still said some stuff, the main error in my thinking was that all performace enhancing drugs would be illegal steroids. “think outside the box i did not” And this showed. The male interviewer asked “so what if an athlete trians at high altitudes to produce a chemical in their blood which enhances performance but another injects it” and BAM i immediately thought steroids, ignoring that the chemical would not be detrimental to their health. Which was a pitfall. And he asked “so i can’t change your mind then” and i shook my head, not realising what he was asking. It was probably due to nerves because normally i would have realised. What a fish.

The second error was when answering the “why do you want to be a doctor” question. It really was a pissy, blabbery, not really saying much kind of answer. I spoke about doing the duke of Edinburgh awards and how that gave me the confidence and self belief to pursue the career but i couldn’t say why. But the real answer simply is just because i want to help people, i want to make a difference through medicine. I know what i forgot to put in. About medicine being the perfect combination of science and people work. I didn’t talk about the science of medicine. For fucks sake. what an idiot.

Honestly, i don’t think i’ve done well. Not well at all. And i doubt if they’ll give me an offer. Two out of the three questions were missing large chuns of answer. God, i wish i could just say “i don’t know why the fuck i want to be a doctor, OK?! I just know that i do, because it’s the career for me. And you know how i know this? Because of all the community work i’ve done and because of the work experience i’ve done and because I JUST WANT TO DO SOMETHING TO BENEFIT OTHER PEOPLE. I’m not stupid, i know what medicine entails, i’ve seen it for myself, i’m not delusional. JUST LET ME IN.”

I can’t stop thinking about it. And i keep thinking about it, thinking of the things i could have done better; the “why do you want to be a doctor” answer. It was awful. Just awful. A load of rubbish.

I really should do some exercise or something...i just had a vision of smashing my laptop against the train window.

A good point; i spoke about giving old ladies prescriptions and talking to them, making them smile, whilst doing the GP experience. The lady seemed to think it was nice.

oh fuck. they get back to me in 2-4 weeks.

It's tommorow

Perhaps the most important interveiw of my life is tommorow. And i'm nervous already.

And i've still not figured out how to answer the question "why do you want to be a doctor."

I was once told "never say it's because you want to help people" and that thought just sticks out, glaringly in my mind. Which makes the answer almost impossible to formulate because the answer genuinely is; because i want to help people! Oh well, i'm probably stressing over nothing. I should just walk in and just be myself. But then i think "oh no, i have to get all these words and phrases in and i have to make links and show off that i do all this stuff" and it buggers up the thought process a bit.

Gah!

I'll of course write every excruciating detail on here tommorow evening. Then i'll stress some more. And then i'll probably resove to forget about it because there's nothing i can do.

Count-down

It's 2 days until my interveiw. I'm not really nervous yet. It's strange. I had completely set myself up for failiure, i was totally prepared and half expecting it and now i have an interview with an opportunity to embark on the career of medicine..to really be a doctor. What i've wanted all my life. And it's still kind of dream-like.

But, of course, i will prepare to the max. I mentioned that i was having an interview to the school careers adviser and he nearly jumped out of his skin. It was rather amusing. After he'd regained his composure he insisted that we meet to discuss interview technique more, so 15 minutes later i was in the careers office talking to him about what i'd say in an interveiw bla bla bla. It was for much useful. He told me what they usually ask and what they look for, i took the information on board and wrote some notes up afterwards.

There seem to be 5 main questions that they ask;

1. Why do you want to be a doctor (or similar wording)
2. What qualities do you think a doctor needs (or similar)
3. What did you learn from your work experience (or similar)
4. What is your favorite disease and why
5. An ethical dilemma

I think the hardest of all the questions for me to answer is why exactly i want to be a doctor. It's not as if, at 18, i can give a huge difinative all encompassing answer. I don't really know why i want to, it's like a vocation but minus the religion. I just do. And i might get sick of it 20 years down the line but thats why we live in the world of 5 careers. I have this almost blaggable answer which involves talking about how i have natural scientifica ability and this passion to really give back something to society and that a career enabling me to combine them both would be perfect. And then talk some about being a leader and that doctors have to lead and that this also makes me believe that i can do it (here i would bring in about beavers, d of e etc).

But sometimes i think that it's not just science i'm good at; because from the grades i achieve it's not. I'm good across the board. And i would absolutely love to study theology/philosophy at degree level, i truly would. Now it facinates me so devoting an entire 3 years to studying it sounds like heaven. Give me Kant over amino-acids any day. He is just so much more stimulating, so much more relevant to modern life. The philosophical and sociological ideas and thoughts studied are screamingly evident in everyday life. They are the buiding blocks of our society, or, at least, the building blocks of the intelligent thought of our society, amino-acids are the building blocks of the DNA used to create inteligent thought.

Fuck me, science bores me. I would love to study philosophy. But i suppose that's what i really mean by medicine being the best of both worlds; it's not the mind-numbing blur of chemical equations and diagrams of internal organs but it is just enough science speckled with just enough human interaction to be interesting. Now, how to explain that to an interview panel...


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Now playing: Moulin Rouge Soundtrack - Le Tango De Roxanne (Cast with Jose Feliciano)
via FoxyTunes

Stonewall Billboards

As i was on the bus, coming home from the GF's house, i passed this billboard and i smiled.

Fucking brilliant!

The space has been donated by the guys who own the billboards for two weeks to the gay rights charity stonewall. And it is a far reaching gesture because the message really is in your face. In your face, reaching those who don't normally pay attention and in bright red.

It's sad though, because, at least in London, it's not the average jo that has a problem with gay people; it's the religious objectors. In a place as big as this you just don't get people (openly) expressing dislike towards anyone in a minority group anymore. And thats probably because everyone is a minority group of some sort so they've no where to hide if you decide to throw it right back at them. Also, i think, because living in such a multicultural city opens your mind. You come to love the fact that there are so many different people and so many different cultures, all crammed together in a ramshackle sort of way. OK, maybe i'm slightly sentimental, but i think there is a point there. Diversity can only ever be a good thing because your horizons are broadened, you realise there is more than one way (your way) of doing things.

Never, not once, have i ever encountered homophobia from an everyday person; the Joe Blogs you pass on the street. Infact, its mostly been the opposite; people are very keen to assure you that they're not homophobic and that they love gay people. Which is a different kettle of fish, but better than looks of disgust.

The only, and quite serious time, when i've been subject to homophobia was directly due to a crazy religious believer. A Catholic, who happened to be my head of year. And she was hell bent on almost destroying what was then my life by outing me to my mother. She hasn't changed.

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Now playing: Ladytron - Destroy Everything You Touch

The Big O

Put, quite simply, it just won't happen for me. Just won't. It refuses to come. Ha. Not funny.

And it's not like i even know what i'm missing out on; i've never had one. Which makes me think; "am i broken? can i come? am i one of those poor unfortunate 1 in 1000 women who can not orgasm?!" and then of course those thoughts lead on to lots more undersireable ones, but mentally, i don't usually go there. No point in dwelling on something unfixable; i'll only make it worse for myself.

But now it really has got quite bad. Even the GF noticed it. It was very delicately handled, and i'm glad she said it but i have no answer to the statement "you don't seem to have as much fun as me." Because the truth would be a yes, yes; i don't have as much fun as you.

The reason for this is two fold. In all absolute honesty, she doesn't really turn me on. And i don't know why because when we first got together i did fancy her, but now its just not there. That wouldn't really be a problem if i knew how on earth to turn myself on. Which i don't. It is so confusing. And i don't want to drag her into this mess.

I suppose i was sort of hoping that it would sort itself out but it seems to be taking longer than i thought. I don't know. Maybe i should just try wanking instead. But the batteries in my vibe have gone. Le sigh. And i only used it twice (on my own).

Snowed Under

There is so much work and so little f my brain to deal with it. And it is hard work. Not simply an easy one or two questions which you could blag your way through. These are serious essays and investigations which require thought, brain power and careful deliberation of the facts and delicate tweaking of results before anything can be done. I am only thankful that i'm not the only one desperately struggling. Others are having to do the same, but i think the work load i have is one of the highest. Eugh. Takes the piss this does. And what takes the piss even more is that i have to draw a trillion graphs and have no graph paper, i have to do this boody chemistry shit but still there is no sign of a mark scheme popping up anywhere.

But then i suppose moaning won't do anything. So i may as well just get the fuck on with it. It'll be over soon.

The thoughts of TFO are a nice little area of solace for me though, when things get a bit too boring. There's always your dreams; no matter how stressful life is, no-one can hijack your imagination.

Old Friends

I saw several old friends tonight at a bar and..wow..there were antics. Mainly induced by the bar-staff themselves. There were "kissing competitions" where pairs of girls kissed each other, competing for the title of "best kisser." There was half naked dancing, there was girls stripping off (nipples were visible). I was sufficiently shocked. But it was good to catch up with friends.

I still think about TFO though. It's not the best thing to be doing, but i've managed to realise that the liklihood of things happening is > 50%.

I saw there will be blood with Mother Dearest. Wow, what an amazing (though head-fucky-type) film. Seriously good.

Back

I'm back from surrey. We're on half term now, but i still have a shit load of work to do;

• 3 essays.
• a chemistry investigation into the optimum conditions of the enzyme catalase (found in liver) to which i don't even know if i have a mark scheme.
• a biology investigation on the Ribwort Plantain and it's leaf lengths in trampled and untrampled areas.

Oh yes. I'm going to be having some fun.

But, perhaps a more interesting topic to read of is the massive crush which i seem to have developed on the teacher whose psuedo name used to be the fit one. I think it's going to have to be chaged to..gosh, it's hard to think of one. I don't want to call her Miss somethingorother because then..she's a teacher, and that's weird. But then..there's nothing else to call her. I think i'll get have to stick with the fit one (TFO) then.

Anyway, i do quite fancy TFO. It's the kind of fancy which means that you think and fantasize about them a lot and and create scenario's in your head revolving around your relationship with them. It's quite a bit of a fancy. Which is a bit weird. But i got over the fact that it was weird when i told the other girls in my room and they took the piss. In my head, that was probably the point where i stopped caring that she was a teacher.

But. The most ridiculous, deluded thing about it all, is that, i think i make her uncomfortable. Ok, it's not that deluded, but it indicates something more. Which is deluded. You can tell if someone's uncomfortable in your prescene because they fidget. And all their mannerisms become more pronounced. Once, during a short exchange of words between myself, her and another male teacher, she was fidgeting so much i actually noticed. It didn't help that my seat in the classroom was almost right next to her, so, for 40% of the entrie trip, i was within arms reach of her.

It would be..unforgetable..if something were to happen. I doubt it will. But it would be so perfectly brilliant. And she is the head of department. It's not like it's uncommon though; teachers and pupils shagging. There was a gay boy last year who ended up having mutual (sexual)relations with the then yr 13 head of year at the end of year boat party celebration. So it's been done before.

5/8

I got 5/8 on the plan of our coursework. Which equates to about 1.2\% out of a possible 2%. And i am really fucked off about it. Really. The fit teacher gave me 8/8 the grade i was aiming for) but it got marked down to a 5 because there wasn’t enough of an explanation about the “running mean”, a statistical method of checking that your samples are concordant.

I want to re-sit it, do better, get that extra 0.8% which doesn’t sound like much, but, in the grand scheme of an a-level, when you need to make up 8 UMS points to scrape an A, is a little bit more than not much.

I’m angry at myself, but more than anger is disappointment, disappointment and fear, fear because i might not meet expectations. Not anyone else's expectations, but my own. My own expectations. The bar i have set myself is so ridiculously high, and if i don’t meet it i know, i know in my heart, that i will carry that disappointment with me for the rest of my life. And “the rest of my life” sounds melodramatic but if i don’t make up those points then i don’t get the grade and i do not go to medical school. I do not become a doctor. That, that outcome, can not happen. If it does, it it turns out i don’t get the grades, i will never forgive myself. Or, at least, i won’t forget it for a very, very, long time. Because “never” is a firm thing to say.

OK, maybe i’ve blown this slightly out of proportion, and i have to admit, i was just about to cry a little bit, before i started writing this, but it’s good to be critical of oneself. Without self-evaluation you stay at a constant ebb, never bettering yourself. I suppose..if i’m honest, this personality trait of mine is like a better version of how i was before. It’s like the self hate without the irrational, overpowering urge to destroy yourself

Feild Trip

So, i'm sat here, in the hallway of some grand house, on msn and typing this at the same time. but the most scary thing is; i feel a watered down version of what i felt before...a kind of isolation..as if there are many many people around but no-one to really connect to. But very much less so than before. I guess i'm strong enough to be alone now..if that makes any sort of sense.

I don't crave to be part of a group, it makes little difference to me whether or not i eat lunch with other people. I think i'm strong enough, independant enough would probably be a better phrase, to be alone. But there is still that tinge that there is no-one there.

Oh, some good news now. I got a interview with Manchester on the 28th! I shall have to prepare super hard for it. I already simulate mock interveiws in my imagination. But even in those i'm nervous!

And i fancy the fit teacher more. Great. Lol.

I suppose it's not all bad. At least now i have a chance of becoming a doctor now!

Field Trip

I will perhaps be away for the next 5 days on a Field Trip (depending on the WiFi abilities of the field centre, the Macbook i coming with me) . Oh, feel my enthusiasm exude through the screen.

It is for Biology and we are doing our entire coursework there. And then we come back just in time for half term, over which we are expected to finalise the drafts of our coursework and hand it in the week after. And i have to do the same with Chemistry. 2, very large pieces of work i have to do over the half term. They are an average of 35 pages each. Investigations in every sense of the word.

And i have no friends who are going on the bloody trip either. Fabulous. Not in the loser sense of the word, just no-one who i particularly get along with and/or speak to properly. No-one whose arms i can weep into on the eve of valentines day when the reality dawns that i can not see the GF. It is going to be a challenge and a half. And i have i fancy the female Biology teacher i have. (sleepy, this makes me think of you, teachers are no longer completely alien beings to me!) But she is well fit. And quite nice too. The other one is a sort of old man who is soo mean and horrible. He slams the door in your face if you're late. Literally. But they're both nice to me because they think i'm clever. Ha! The fit one said i was in the gifted and talented band at parents evening. Blush. It was nice of her. All the other one did was slag me off major style and said i did no work, which was untrue.

You never know, the trip might not be as horrific as i think it will. I might get to shag the fit one. And then black mail her into doing my investigation for me. One thing's for sure;


(the converse are size 8) i won't run out of clothes on my 4 night stay!

Med-School

It's February. I sent my application off in the middle of October. All offers are given by mid-april. Would you not b slightly shitting yourself if you hadn't got anything but a rejection back from your respective universities? I am. All the time. Even as i write this the feeling is growing and i almost want to cry. So most of the time, i shove it away somewhere, to the back of my mind. Out of sight, out of mind. I check UCAS everyday to see if anything has changed, but it hasn't.

I was rejected by Peninsula, although they haven't yet logged that rejection on UCAS. But that is most probably due to their shitty organisational abilities.

A girl in one of my classes has had an offer from Manchester. And so, co-incidentally, has her boyfriend. Manchester are giving out offers and i haven't even had an interveiw with them yet.

All i want, all i want in this life, is to devote it to a worthwile cause, one that will really make a difference to peoples lives. I REALLY fucking want to be a doctor. REALLY BADLY. And i havn't even stood face to face with an admissions tutor to be able to tell them this in person.
The crying thing is going to happen again, so i'm going to sleep.

Mentor

I do a lot of what would probably be considered community work. I am a beaver leader (yes, haha, lesbian joke) and every wednesday i help run the beaver pack of my local scout group. The boys there are 6-8 years old, so quite young. Too young to read properly. Young enough to still be using the "Naughty Step" technique popularised by Super Nanny. And, admittedly, a bit of a handful sometimes. I peer mentor as well..and am in a position of trust. I sometimes think to myself "what the fuck am i getting into here" because i am no life expert, i am young and do not have all the answers but sit there and have to rack my brains, attempting to offer some sort of advice.

I wonder why i do so much of it, and it's not so i look good on a CV, i promise you. It's because, when i was in TSH i had a really horrid time. I never want anyone to feel that again, so, instead of hating it and wishing its system of belief would crumble before the authority figures eyes, i accepted this was the way, and tried to do my very small bit to change it in the best way i could. This way seems to be through mentoring.

Being on the receiving end is incredibly strange though. It's as though the tables have turned and i sit behind the calm facade, as opposed to being the angry, broken young person. Very strange.

This makes me think of what happened with TJ, an advisor of one sort or another who i..well..who i kind of..fell in love with. She saved my life, i firmly believe that if i had not spoke to her i would have killed myself. And i want nothing more than to thank her for it. But i have no idea where she is. She transferred after we stopped talking, to a school near but doesn't work there now. I know, knowing how it feels to be on the other side of he table, that i would want to be told. To know how they were and to be thanked. I would be touched that i'd made that difference to someone's life, saved someones life.

But i have no way of contacting her.

hmm...

Well..this is officially the first consecutive blog. I suppose it means i'm starting again.

The one main thing that's playing on my mind is if i'm doing the right thing staying with the GF. Because the honest truth of the matter is, she doesn't turn me on. My initial motives were very diffrent than that of a normal person wanting a relationship.

What i wanted from her was very little, what i wanted her to realise within herself was immense. I wanted to help her believe in herself, i wanted to liberate her from her demons and i wanted to make her happy. I didn't want anything for myself when we first started the relationship and i though that sexual relations were secondary to the major priority of increasing her self esteem. And now..six months on..i don't know.

That's why it freaked me out so much when the girl from saturday was flirting with me. I was unsure about the GF's and i relationship anyway and the added addition of someone whom i used to fancy a serious amount flirting with me just wasn't good for my conscience. It made me think things, or rather, about the possibility of things, and those things were all very really capable of hurting the GF, resulting in real and painful guilt. And that is not something i want to do. Yet i was thinking of things which would hurt her..."if your eyes cause you to sin, gouge them out." Catholic to the core.

I went for a drink, or rather, several drinks, with a friend from last year this evening. It was good. I'd forgotten how much i'd missed him and t was lovely seeing him again. He is just as nice and just as much the gentleman as i remember him. He reminds me of what someone would be like if they hadn't attended TSH.

I Miss Blogging

After having kept a diary for several years it feels alien not to be recanting my daily encounters into some piece of online storing software. And thats the best thing about it being online, its accessible anywhere, by anyone (which has not always been so brilliant in the past) but it means you can connect with hundreds of people who, in normal run of the mill life, you would never encounter. And i now have the most fabulous possession ever; a Macbook. Not the macbook air, unfortunately, but a laptop which is fully portable and has all these other amazing features on it too thanks to apples creative geniuses. But then it should, at £600. That was my entire months pay and some Christmas money!

But back to the point, i want to start blogging again. But this time i'm thinking of doing a video diary type thing. I'll think it over, anonymity is a big issue to consider, but the idea of actual moving pictures appeals to me very much. I read 1984 recently and the significance of keeping a diary was made distinctly obvious. It is your tiny piece of personal history, untouchable, distinct and accountable. It is there, it enables you to place exact times and events, exact dates. And you know what? I am stupendously overjoyed (i can't think of words, i seem to have lost my skills of articulation) that i kept diaries whilst i was...experiencing growing pains...because it means that what i felt i not just a blur of distance emotional memories but a real and very painful eperience that i can return to at any time. It's not forgotten, is perhaps my point. Never forgotten by an overloaded human memory.

Perhaps i will continue writing an online diary because i do love writing. I forgot how fun storytelling can be. It'll also help with all those bloody essays i have to do.

I was pissed..but i spoke to her

you know what, even though i'm pissed, and the fact that im pissed is probably why i spoke to her, i still spoke to her. This is the girl that has...the praseis hard to express..probably the best way to say is..the word pluged comes to mind but in a non-negative way, the girl that has plauged my existance for an entire year +. That girl. The one who is anorexic. The one my insane mind seems to think i have a connection with. The one...who i seem to...feel for...that one. I spoke to her.

Previously, for the entire year + i haven't had a proper conversation with, but yet she know's my name and came to the party i had months back, that one, i spoke to her today. At her 18th birthday party, which i went to with Nat. It's a significant thing that i spoke to her.

It was a rather brief conversation but it was something. Something more than i've normally been able to initiate when sober. And the reason that it means so much?

The reason may be completely within my mind, but i will express it nonetheless, because i feel i have some insane connection with her, because i feel as though, despite having noy spoken to her, we hold so much in common, that despite not interacting ever, we have a sort of mutal understanding. That we both know what pain is like...how emo..but really, cutting the emotional bullshit, something like that.

And the worst thing; we almost certainly will never speak again. If we have this connection which i think we do, i should initiate something, but i won't because it is almost impossible. You know what i mean. Socially, and that shit. And i'm probably wrong, you know, with the connecion and all.

But it's strange. In this world apperace is everything, i heard somewhere of somthing called the halo effect. Attractive people do better. I'm not saying i'm attractive. Pah! If you as me i will name a thousand faults in my face. But others deem the physical attributes which i possess attractive...you know what this is a load of bullshit. And my point as dissapeared. But i was trying to say because of the way i look people fancy me, and this makes them willing to go beyond the average distance you would g for a stranger fr me...but yeh, i feel as though i have an obligation to talk to this girl not beacause of anything that has hapened socially, but just because. Like Kant says, duty for duties sake. Someone is in pain..however obscure that pain is, and it's your duty to at least attempt, in the best way you can, to help adress that pain. That is what i feel in regard towards this girl. And i love her, in an obscure sense of the word. In the way a stranger can love someone not particulary known to them.

I love this girl, and the saddest thing is i will probably never let her know. I'll continue loving her in the obscure way which i feel for a long time after we dipserse and go our separate ways to whichever universities we wish. I want to tell her. But for such an intimate discussion to come about we will both have to be incredibly pissed.

I will not resign myself to faliure, or, not sharing this notion. (it's not crazy, i know she's unhappy in sone way...she is anorexic) I will share it with her. One day, I will. And she'll know, before we leave. She will.